Memoir

Hope you are fine Baba. I got up today morning just at 4.55am. Usually that time I got up at 4.55am to say good morning to you. Thats a beautiful time. And you left for cooking. Definitely we had a chat at 6.42am. That chat lasted untill 8am. What a time Baba. I remember everything like it was yesterday. I wish of I could go back. I know you wpuld blame me when you read this someday(i hope and wish I could show thi to you. But its not sure. I think you wont remember me either) im not angry Baba. Im in same pain. I was so lucky to meet. You are such an Angel. I will not stop loving you. Who can stop natural feelings? If you think Im a devil, I will not try to change that idea. Im also agree with you. What I could add is, that devil who was very evil loved you and kept his love saved for you untill the end of its life. I hope you are fine baba. May be more than fine. Im not angry baba. Its sad. I know you have encountered better reasons to forget me. I feel that. I felt you now and then. I felt your happiness and sorrow always. That senses are still with me. And i think part of my life is living in you. I will not forget you. And I cant forget you. I will search you somehow Baba. This doesn't meen im going to put you in sorrows again. I cant see you cry Baba. Thats the only reason why I keep my silence. If I have the love the universe is a smaller place. Please take care. Please take care your self

Same day.

Remembered you a lot tonight Baba. Remembered how we were chatting when your mom was blaming also. The way we took talks untill the midnight. I hope you are fine Baba. But please be safe. I remember you a lot. Its okay not to forgive me. But if I dont love you would I write this way? I dint know Baba. Its okay if you forgotten me. Because you have the right. Im writing these things not to force you someday But to remember that I was thinking of you. Part of my life is living inside you. Take care Baba.

6.42am-2

For the second time this week im writing to you at 6.42 am. I think im just remembering the usual timetable those days. I dont think its bad. I remember, by this time you  are gettin in to the bus. Writing this slowly because im on my bed yet. I remembered you a lot Baba because something somewhat scary felt in a dream. I cant see you or I cand hear you. I was much worried. Even now also. I remember the chats we had in your bus. Usually many issues, because you dont want to talk there. Or sometimes you ignored calling each other. I was trying to find a minute with you. Dont worry baba I never hated you for that. I remember once how you didnt  answer the mobile and stayed on chat only. I was angry (only at the moment, I love you Baba I could not hate you. I dont want to hate you) im not angry for that Baba. Please take care your self Baba.

Please be safe.

Are you doing fine Baba? I get strange feelings. Like you are in a situation. I dont know those are my instincts. Please do the right thing and be patient. I remembered you always Baba. Wrote you the letter/post yesterday just after I get back home. I know you have forgotten me. I know you have better reasons to forget me. I know this year you have to take a decision and within that decision I know I dont have or deserve a place. Im in pain Baba. I know the pain which you took. I felt that. I felt you were suffering. I know im a useless one to you now. To be a useless one or not, that choice was in my hands. I know I messed it up. And you got hurt. Same decision made to me to suffer long term. Im wasnt angry with you Baba. And I never hate you. I will always love you instead. Call me the bad guy. Thats okay. I deserve it. Yesterday i remembered you a lot. I wrote to you. Today in the early morning I saw you in a dream. I was so upset. Please be careful Baba. Please. I beg from you. Be safe. Pls. 

6.42am

Remembered you in the morning. I checked the time and it was 6.42am. Exact time when you get in to the bus. I remembered you a lot. I hope you sometimes felt me. I was thinking of you. I wish I could see or hear you. I know you wont let. Thats right. You have the right. I think I should respect for your decisions. Remember anyway 6.42am is the time when we start our chat freely. Hope you remember. Well i wish, but same time I know these things might be already forgotten long ago. Im not agngry for that Baba. Its definitely sad. But you have the right. And thats your decision. I know and I felt the pain which you took Baba. I will feel it forever. Remember whatever I will keep my love too. I cant see you, hear you or touch you but I definitely will love you. I know you will ignore maximally. You will not care. I will not stop too. Its ok you have the right to do so. Forget me if you want, but I cannot forget you. I will not forget you. Take care. 

Sunday. Remember how hard I left you in Sundays?

Sometimes im going through the roads where we were walking. Remembered always the way we were holding our hands. Remembered the chat we had. Remembered all the good memories we shared. I really miss that time Baba. I remember you always. My thoughts are there. And my thoughts are with you. And I think it will be forever. I remember how I tried to hide in Laksala. Remember? Thats a time where I really lived Baba. You let me live. I never tried to break your heart Baba. I wanted to love you. I never hurt you Baba. I know finally you got hurt. I understand im the one who is wrong. Im hurt too. Im hurt by possible all the circumstances. Always I had the feeling to see you smile. I wanted to see a beautiful smile in your face. You may say no. Or you may blame me. Telling you the truth. Didnt I love you Baba? Didnt i do anything good? Didnt I make you smile? I may be bad. But I have my feelings and love to you too. Blame me as much as you can but remember I love you. I loved you. And that will happen forever. Take care. 

Days

Baba how are you? Think what if yesterday was a day which we could meet? Baba what if we met? I miss you. And you have forgotten me. Time is passing. I clearly felt the feeling of being forgotten. Im sad but I will not blame for that. I know and knew you pain Baba. I pretended that I was a stone. I never wanted to give you pains anymore Baba. I cant see you. I dont hear you now. Thats not easy. I know your feelings baba. Didnt I feel your thoughts? Please tell. Im not angry. But im not happy too. I miss you. I just wabted you to know someday I was living within you, within your memories. I lived a life which spent with in your memories. Sometimes you won't see my messages or post. But I wish my feelings and my mind touch you through the universe. You may call all these things a crap. Its okay. I know. Remember I loved then and I love you forever. I will find you somehow Baba. Please take care.