March 15

Remember the firt time we tried to meet once. We were on a call. And you told that you were onbtye same root. We didnt meet. But that was the first time we tried it. I know better if I never meet you, you will be happy. I made a mess and put you in a trouble. I miss you like im mad. My head shouts your name. If im the devil, why di I feel this upset? Didnt I ever love you Baba? You never felt my love? Nothing good in me Baba? Nothing positive inside me? Im in pain and im in doubt. Writing this just before you come out for tea. I think im closer enough to feel your. Came that closer. I hope you are fine. Im leaving with a mind full of memories. 

Again.

Baba how are you? Are you fine? I remembered you many times. Like it was a music tape singing your name in my head. If I was such a bad guy, would I remember you this way? I hope no. But I cant forget you. Actually I dont want to forget you. You are the best thing happened in my life. So why should I forget you? I know you have forgotten me a lot. I know the reason. Because you have to reduce your pain. Im in pain too. I dont want to reduce this pain. Telling you why. Because I deserve this pain. Hurting the one who loved me isnt good. I did that. So I have to suffer same way. Im a devil for sure,that I know. I have love too. May be the devil also fell in love with you. You are an angel to me. You are an angel who donate your love to a person like me, who is so cruel. I never forget that good feeling. I will keep my love reserved Baba. I miss you a lot. Please take care. year ago this time was so beautiful. We were walking in streets holding our hands together. All the memories are with me. Im living in them. Take care. Pls. 

Baba I messed you. Hard times. I wish if you were here.

Times are hard. Its 12.00 midnight. Remembered that time we left to sleep with a promise to greet good morning to each other? Hope you remember. Pain with in me excruciating. Like its killing me. Tonight I will try to  meet you in my dreams. Wpuld we walk? Would we talk? I will hold your hands. I will tell you something funny. Will you show me that beautiful smile? I loved that smile and I will. I tried to see it a lot. I miss you Baba.

Daily.

I hope you are fine Baba. I remembered you a lot. I had my some health issues. I couldnt write on time. But I  never forgot you. How come I forget you? Im living within you. I live in your memories. I wish I could live in your heart too. Baba remember the time when you comes to Viharamahadevi Park colombo? Im waiting there or near by. Remember that time? I still remember that beautiful smile in your face when we meet. Im writing to you daily Baba. Because i miss you that much. I know im that bad. But I have my heart for you too. Im not the usual villain Baba. If I was I that Bad I would not live this pain. Im living in pain Baba. Remember when you about to leave home in saturday evenings? You kissed my forehead. After that I had to leave. I left like Im totally broken. It was very difficult to leave you back to my work place. I was waiting there for few minutes. Thinking that you would return. Few minutes later I left for home. Then a day after I left for work. It was so hard and tough to leave. I went mad. I was sad.
I still remember the smell of your hair. I would not be  able to feel it again ever. I would keep that memory forever with me. Loved you, loved that smell and loved that beautiful soul. Im in pain now. I know im the one to blame. Im the one who is wrong. I will live in pain. I will remember you forever. Please take care Baba.

Graduation robe

Baba. How are you? Im guessing that you are fine. I know you are in pain. I felt that. I will not be writing this and I will not be this upset if I couldn't feel you Baba. I miss you day and night. I wish I could see or hear you. I got up as usual around 5am. Remembered you. Remembered the early morning message which I got daily basis. I live with those memories. Im writing this around 10.30am. I know you came out for breakfast by now. Remember that time when you send voice recordings? Some songs. I love that voice Baba. I remember all of it. I remember how I went with you to find a graduation robe for your graduation. Lived that life. Love you then and now. I miss you too. I hope you are fine. Please take care Baba. I never wanted to hurt you sweet. I just wanted to love. If im having only a devil in me, I wont be this upset. I still miss you. I dont want to forget you. Please take care. 

Saturday in pain

I know you what you think about me Baba. I know you have considered me a senseless person. I have to say Im not Baba. Do you think I had no sense and feeling about the pain which I have given to you? I have all the feeling about it. I feel you Baba. I felt each and every feeling you had. That pain I had in me behalf of you Baba. This pain im living is behalf of you Baba. Im living  in you. I know you have kicked out all those feelings.you have thrown all those memories away. I just wanted to see you smiling too. I wanted your happiness too. Im not selfish. But I never got behind in falling in love with you Baba. I know you dont want to remember a distant painful history. Im history Baba. Im living there. I will live there in your memories Baba.  I remembered you. I remembered we had some good memories in the women's day (yesterday). A saturday today, I wish we could hold our hands and walk. Wish we could see a movie. I never walked along those lanes and those places again. (I will not) I cant walk there again. I will not Baba. I remember you a lot. Many memories. Remember the times we went for shopping? That time also closer. New year is closer. So I have to be ready to take another new year with memories. I wish I could hear or see you. Im not that privileged. I know the pain of rejection. I will not loose my love Baba. Kill me, Make me mad, torture me. I will not give up loving you. I will not. Yes im a jerk. Okay thats okay for me. Cant I love you? If im one of the usual jerks I wont be in this pain. They live happier than me. Im dying in pain. I know I deserve this pain. I dont want to feel less pain. I want to feel all of it. I want to take all of this pain. Remember please Baba someday that, I kept all my love to you. Im bad, im cruel, im a jerk, and im a devil. I know this. I loved an angel too. Thats you. Take care. I will miss you. 

March 8. Our memories. Women's day

Someday soon you will take someone's hand. Im not angry or jealous about that. Im just sad Baba. Anyway some other view I should be happy to see your happiness. Im the one who couldn't give you the happiness. I think I will suffer a lot. Sure I do deserve to suffer. Im that cruel person. What I only have inside me, which seems to have a value is love. I will keep that love for you forever. And there will always a place for you in me Baba. Some part of my life is living in you. You may never know. You will never know too. I dont know the future Baba. Definitely that future, I will not be fitted a lot I guess. I have much doubt about my future. If someday things gone so sinister or unexpectedly wrong, remember i just wanted you to be happy. I messed up each and every step in love, but I kept my love saved for you. So please be aware that I had my feelings, love and thoughts for you. Baba I wanted you to know I lived with pain too. I missed you too. Im not opposing your right to forget me. I just wanted you to know that I thought about you a lot too. And I missed you a lot too. Take care