Memoir

Hope you are fine Baba. I got up today morning just at 4.55am. Usually that time I got up at 4.55am to say good morning to you. Thats a beautiful time. And you left for cooking. Definitely we had a chat at 6.42am. That chat lasted untill 8am. What a time Baba. I remember everything like it was yesterday. I wish of I could go back. I know you wpuld blame me when you read this someday(i hope and wish I could show thi to you. But its not sure. I think you wont remember me either) im not angry Baba. Im in same pain. I was so lucky to meet. You are such an Angel. I will not stop loving you. Who can stop natural feelings? If you think Im a devil, I will not try to change that idea. Im also agree with you. What I could add is, that devil who was very evil loved you and kept his love saved for you untill the end of its life. I hope you are fine baba. May be more than fine. Im not angry baba. Its sad. I know you have encountered better reasons to forget me. I feel that. I felt you now and then. I felt your happiness and sorrow always. That senses are still with me. And i think part of my life is living in you. I will not forget you. And I cant forget you. I will search you somehow Baba. This doesn't meen im going to put you in sorrows again. I cant see you cry Baba. Thats the only reason why I keep my silence. If I have the love the universe is a smaller place. Please take care. Please take care your self

Same day.

Remembered you a lot tonight Baba. Remembered how we were chatting when your mom was blaming also. The way we took talks untill the midnight. I hope you are fine Baba. But please be safe. I remember you a lot. Its okay not to forgive me. But if I dont love you would I write this way? I dint know Baba. Its okay if you forgotten me. Because you have the right. Im writing these things not to force you someday But to remember that I was thinking of you. Part of my life is living inside you. Take care Baba.

6.42am-2

For the second time this week im writing to you at 6.42 am. I think im just remembering the usual timetable those days. I dont think its bad. I remember, by this time you  are gettin in to the bus. Writing this slowly because im on my bed yet. I remembered you a lot Baba because something somewhat scary felt in a dream. I cant see you or I cand hear you. I was much worried. Even now also. I remember the chats we had in your bus. Usually many issues, because you dont want to talk there. Or sometimes you ignored calling each other. I was trying to find a minute with you. Dont worry baba I never hated you for that. I remember once how you didnt  answer the mobile and stayed on chat only. I was angry (only at the moment, I love you Baba I could not hate you. I dont want to hate you) im not angry for that Baba. Please take care your self Baba.

Please be safe.

Are you doing fine Baba? I get strange feelings. Like you are in a situation. I dont know those are my instincts. Please do the right thing and be patient. I remembered you always Baba. Wrote you the letter/post yesterday just after I get back home. I know you have forgotten me. I know you have better reasons to forget me. I know this year you have to take a decision and within that decision I know I dont have or deserve a place. Im in pain Baba. I know the pain which you took. I felt that. I felt you were suffering. I know im a useless one to you now. To be a useless one or not, that choice was in my hands. I know I messed it up. And you got hurt. Same decision made to me to suffer long term. Im wasnt angry with you Baba. And I never hate you. I will always love you instead. Call me the bad guy. Thats okay. I deserve it. Yesterday i remembered you a lot. I wrote to you. Today in the early morning I saw you in a dream. I was so upset. Please be careful Baba. Please. I beg from you. Be safe. Pls. 

6.42am

Remembered you in the morning. I checked the time and it was 6.42am. Exact time when you get in to the bus. I remembered you a lot. I hope you sometimes felt me. I was thinking of you. I wish I could see or hear you. I know you wont let. Thats right. You have the right. I think I should respect for your decisions. Remember anyway 6.42am is the time when we start our chat freely. Hope you remember. Well i wish, but same time I know these things might be already forgotten long ago. Im not agngry for that Baba. Its definitely sad. But you have the right. And thats your decision. I know and I felt the pain which you took Baba. I will feel it forever. Remember whatever I will keep my love too. I cant see you, hear you or touch you but I definitely will love you. I know you will ignore maximally. You will not care. I will not stop too. Its ok you have the right to do so. Forget me if you want, but I cannot forget you. I will not forget you. Take care. 

Sunday. Remember how hard I left you in Sundays?

Sometimes im going through the roads where we were walking. Remembered always the way we were holding our hands. Remembered the chat we had. Remembered all the good memories we shared. I really miss that time Baba. I remember you always. My thoughts are there. And my thoughts are with you. And I think it will be forever. I remember how I tried to hide in Laksala. Remember? Thats a time where I really lived Baba. You let me live. I never tried to break your heart Baba. I wanted to love you. I never hurt you Baba. I know finally you got hurt. I understand im the one who is wrong. Im hurt too. Im hurt by possible all the circumstances. Always I had the feeling to see you smile. I wanted to see a beautiful smile in your face. You may say no. Or you may blame me. Telling you the truth. Didnt I love you Baba? Didnt i do anything good? Didnt I make you smile? I may be bad. But I have my feelings and love to you too. Blame me as much as you can but remember I love you. I loved you. And that will happen forever. Take care. 

Days

Baba how are you? Think what if yesterday was a day which we could meet? Baba what if we met? I miss you. And you have forgotten me. Time is passing. I clearly felt the feeling of being forgotten. Im sad but I will not blame for that. I know and knew you pain Baba. I pretended that I was a stone. I never wanted to give you pains anymore Baba. I cant see you. I dont hear you now. Thats not easy. I know your feelings baba. Didnt I feel your thoughts? Please tell. Im not angry. But im not happy too. I miss you. I just wabted you to know someday I was living within you, within your memories. I lived a life which spent with in your memories. Sometimes you won't see my messages or post. But I wish my feelings and my mind touch you through the universe. You may call all these things a crap. Its okay. I know. Remember I loved then and I love you forever. I will find you somehow Baba. Please take care.

I will miss you forever Baba. I know that im i  your forgotten history. This is painful. And I will live in that pain forever. Even the devil might live with pain. Please take care your self. 

Forgotten me?

I remembered you a lot Baba. Today a holiday. A full moon. Yester day the day we met in the Taj. Kind of a turning point also. Im quite sure If we were together, today could be a day which we met. Im sure we will walk a lot. I could have felt the joy of holding your hand and walk. We would joke, laugh, talk, walk and eat. I just wanted to tell you I dreamed you Baba. I never forget you. I know you have better reason to leave and forget. I know im kind of person difficult to handle. Miserable and cruel. Please Remember no matter what kind of devil was I, I love you. I have my heart for you. So I saw you in my dreams yesterday. I will meet and see you in my memories and dreams. I will miss you. Did something good today. Did it remembering you. I helped a poor person. May those good results be with you. I trust karma. Take care Baba. Will write again.

That day the 18th.

Baba remember. In a day like today you left for a party. I was unable tell you that, I didnt like to see you dancing In front of a drunk crowd. Minimally drunk or maximally drunk, doesn't matter they were drunk. I was kind of jealous too. Ooh god  because I was willing to sit next you. I didnt want to hurt you Baba. I kept my silence. But I could not keep the mouth totally shut. I drank. And you delayed to return home Baba. I begged you to leave soon. I pledged you to request your mom to come and collect you. You promised but you didnt keep the word. I didnt want to see some idiot abuse you verbally or any other way. You showed me comfort there in the party. I was sad, angry and the pain was killing me. I drank. I had my heart for you. As always and usual you gave better reasons. Those reasobs again just killing me. I blamed the official you contacted to talk with me. Its ok. Everything ok. I should tell even between maximum pains I was searching a way to love you. I never hated for what you did. I never would be. I kept This note because I remember all of it. I miss you Baba. And today February 18. So i will live with in the memories. If you walk through someday remember, that I lived here. Will you remember? Take care Baba. 

An evening in February (18-2-2017)

Baba. How are you? So tomorrow is the day you visited the office annual dinner dance. I remember like it was yesterday. I was in pain. That time you talked to me like I was nothing to you. I was in pain. I didnt tell you not to go. Even you didnt keep your word. Promised to go with your mom or uncle but you didnt. I went mad. I drank like i had thirst for alcohol.  My pain not relieved and you were attacking me with words and reasons. And you even gave your phone to someone in the party to let me know that party was a compulsory thing. I blamed to that woman who tried to give me reasons. So 2 years passed since then Baba. Im here collecting your memories. Collecting our memories. Putting them together and creating the story. Im living those memories. I will live in the memories belong to you. I want to tell today. I never hated you for giving me that stress. I never hated you for doing that. In between all those assaults to my heart I was loving you. Trying to love you even more. Remember how we met in the Taj premises? Remember that day? You were in your pink dress. Mom made it for you. Probably you were the prettiest one there. And the one I love. Always. And forever. I just wanted to keep a note about our time Baba. I wanted to keep a memoir about the incident. I want those memories. I remember the dance also. You had few group dances there. I was angry. I dont want to make a dance girl in front of everyone. I miss you. I just want to say I never was angry with you. Hope you are fine sweetheart. Take care. 

Day after Valentine's

Im quite sure Baba yester might brought few memories of us. Some times you may remembered me. I felt so. I was thinking of you a lot. I know i dont have a right. But yet I possess a right to keep your memories. I know sometimes you have a reason to forget me. Im not angry for that Baba. May be im forgotten at all. Well finally that day also passed. Memories were flooded yesterday. Sometimes my eyes blurred. Im writing this around 6.40pm. This is the time when your mom comes home. I remember everything Baba. I miss you too. I felt something. I hope you are fine. Please take care. 

February 14. 9.30am

What we would do in a day like today if we were together Baba? Im writing this will mind full of thoughts. Mind full of memories. Mind full of incidents happened in a obe February. Suddenly all that time passes. I got cruel.(I never intended Baba). Finally we are apart. Today I would send my love and feelings. Sometimes you may feel it. Im not trying to send anything physical not because I cant, but because I have no intention to hurt you. May be today you would have something new to celebrate. May be you found it. You may have better reasons to celebrate the day. Im never be angry with you. I will fill further and further my heart with love. I will kick out the cruelty. I will win Baba. And I will search you. I dont care where. I will find you. No hard feelings. No harsh feelings. I remembered you a lot. I hope you are fine. I will remember you much today. Remember the February. A dramatic month I guess. Please my Baba take care your self. Be safe. 

6.15pm

I think you are fine Baba. I remembered you a lot. And I remember you a lot. Remembered you around 12.30pm. Exactly the time you are going with Amali akka to take you. Any way when I cemplete the rest of the post probably you are at home. Waiting for mother. I miss you most of the times Baba. Never think that I forgot you. No. Im keeping my silence because, i dobt have an intention to hurt you. I know even my voice may hurt you. I live in our memories. I hope you are ok. Take care your self baba. 

Somewhere.

I hope you are fine Baba. Writing this arpund 10.30am. I remembered you around 9.15 am. Remembered the time we talked to each other. How many calls did we make to each other. Im sure that was so good. I will keep these menories Baba. I know your have reasons to forget things. Im not going to ask to keep my memories with you. Sometimes after all you will decide im not a big reason to you. I forgive you as always Baba. I never hate you. And I couldn't and I cant. I will never forget your memory. I will search you this universe. Telling you truth. I know you will not trust me. Its ok. Please take care your self. I remembered you a lot. 

Sunday

How are you Baba. I remember you a lot. Its sunday. Think what we could do in a saturday? Where would we walk? How much would we smile? I remember your sweet voice. I remember the touch and how you were walking closer to me. Remember the evening walks in a park? I remember all of Baba. I remember our love. I remember our talks. Im writing all of these because I never wanted or want to forget you. I need all of it in me. I need all of those memories in my mind. And I will live those memories. How much would we chat Baba? Baba please tell you never felt a love from me? You never saw love from me? I wont get angry baba. Tell. I think I loved you more than anyone this world. I will keep that love forever. I never hesitate to challenge or claim that I love you morethan anyone. If you want prove me wrong. I challenge you too. I miss you Baba. Your memories shouting loudly in my head. That was your name. I hope you are fine. Please take care. Hope your mom also fine. Take care of her. Take her to clinics on time. Plenty of rest. Give drugs timely. Will write you again. 

Again a friday

Baba remember the fridays? How I was running to see you. I was rushing to see you. Driving fast. Goal was to be there at your office. Were all those efforts fake Baba? I never loved you Baba? You think I never loved you? I think I cant help Baba. I will always love you. I never had intentions to hurt you baba. Im staying silent because I dont want to hurt you further. And I never will. I have feelings too Baba. I felt love. Was that wrong? Loving you wrong? I know im forgotten Baba. You will have better reasons to forget me too. Then children too. So I will be living in a forgotten time. I will live in a forgotten dream. May be the bestever dream in my life. I might be wrong Baba. But i have and had love too. And forever will. Please take care. I remembered you a lot Baba. Soon you are coming out for lunch. Wrote this around 11.50am. Take care Baba. 

For you 2

Remember how you feed me by your hands? Remember Baba? Always I remember this event when I start to eat. Im not trying to plot false incidents. Remember it Baba? Baba can you remember same way you fed me a lot. I remember even when we were having some fast food, you were pushing some food in to my mouth. Those times passed, yet i keep them in my memory. Remember someday If you look in to this Baba. I was living in our memories. I was holding and keeping our memories. I was trying to keep everything saved. Please take care. Will write again. 

For you

Writing this few minutes prior to your tea time. I think you  remember that time wheh I was waiting restless to call you. How many times was I mad because you were a minute late. I think I knew all well. I was mad not because im a jerk but because i was in love that much with you. Blame its ok. I know i deserve. Baba im also a one who love you. I know im a tough and stony one. But never think that im a one without pain Baba.
 I know the pain. I feel your pain always. I pretended that i dont feel it. Nothing is easy baba. Taking the pain  and pretending like insensitive to pain both are damn painful trust me I have the experience now. Im writing all these because someday you might think that im a person simply forgotten you. No im wasn't. Im in pain Baba. You were and you will live in me forever. Take care. Will write again

Long weekend 2

I wish if we could visit the three destination you were waiting to see baba. I remember them. I feel sad wgen I remember them. I was a stone like person to you. I did that character Baba. I nevee wanted to drag you through hell. Do you think that Im a person without senses? A person without feelings? A person without pain? No Baba i feel everything. May be I was wrong. Yes i get it. Sembuwatta, jungle beach and the temple near to home. I messed those three places. I wish at least If could get the temple visit. I never wanted to hurt you Baba. I feel and felt your pain too. Whole world will tell me how cruel was I. I had love too. I will always have it for you. Someday I would be a better person Baba. Please take care your self. I will wait for that time. Tc. Will write again. 

Long weekend

Today a holiday and tonorrow also. Remember Baba? A perfect weekend. What we would do if we could meet. Remember Baba how we met? We wrre searching a time to meet. That time is the most beautiful. Rememed the way I worked to find a little time to meet you Baba. I want a millionaire. But I did everything what I could do to see you. I spent endless niguts working Baba. And all those things were fake? Or not true? Remember how many times did I complaint I had severe headaches after work? I was like eating painkillers. Anywau thats the most beautiful time. For those headaches I still love very much. Those pains felt so good even though they were the most painful. I was trying to find a time to see you. I hope you are fine Baba. Please take care. Will write again.