1st of January 2020

Im writing this short message in new year's morning. Well beba couldn't ask. Who was your secret santa this time? Just asked. I hope you are fine Baby. I miss you a lot. I was working last night.
Happy new year...
Good luck.
Theruwan Saranayi. 

New year eve.... (31st December 2019 second and the last post of the year)

Well Im writing this in the last few minutes of new year eve. Soon starts a new year. Many new things to come in to your life. You are stepping in a new path. You will find love and you will raise children. You will find the joy in life. Simultaneously you will be forgotten me. Im not requesting or urging you to remember me. I know I was an annoying person. I was a guy difficult to handle and love. You tried your best and I went in a disastrous path. We both got hurt. Im writing to you this new year eve to remember that I would love you forever. I will keep my heart full of love. Im a rude one. I felt your love though. I was so unlucky to lose your love. And tonight I miss you a lot. I wish you a very happy new year (2020)!!!!. May you be happy! May you be healthy! May you live long!. Same wishes go to your parents. Take care. Theruwan Saranayi. Will write again

31st December 2019. New year eve.

Came the new year eve. Wondering why all the new year eves are so disappointing to me. I will not get the answer anyway. Answer isnt comforting either. So sweetheart this year ends. Forgetting me is something you did for the pain. I hope the pain reduced a little. Many endeavours in your life are waiting. Sure you will enjoy and be happy. I want to wish you all the happiness and good health. I hope your smile will shine. I wish your parents good health and long lives. May you be having a joyful time ahead. All the wishes are genuinely come from my heart(With love and blessings I want make all these New year greetings.) Few hours to pass and another year starts. Im listing to the clock. I tried to keep a daily note for you (here in the blog. I never called or write. Not because I have forgotten you. Because I dont want to see you crying). Only reason for writing here is the love. I will not let the love to fade away. I will keep loving you continuously. I will try to keep a message here daily. If there is no more messages, probably Im not living. Hey :) remember though that I took my last breath remembering you and our love. Your smile. Wow what a time. I miss you a lot. Im at work. I will do some activities to wish you good luck tomorrow. Hope you are fine. Im sure that you are too busy. And I know why you are busy. I miss you a lot. Love you. 

30th December 2019-2nd post

Miss you a lot Baba. Remembered how you blamed me once because I messaged a private nursing Officer in my private workplace. Remember? For the sake of our love  I have to say that I never tried an intimate relationship with her (she asked about weight reduction. I adviced her.). Never send a message which is provocative or sentimental. Never loved, never said that I loved, never touched, never asked to meet and never wanted to stay closer. Same way I told about Dammika. She tried and asked many things I never tried to satisfy her. You suspect me a lot Baby. My heart ached because I didnt do anything wrong but yet I was the one to be blamed. I never met or talked to her. About the American girl. She lived in US. I heard that she got married. I did my best to help. I tried only to prevent her being losing the most loved thing in this world  (her mother). I never ever wanted to leave you Baba. Sorry for taking all these memories. Im not in an intention to hurt you. I just remembered the past. Im so cruel and bad. I didnt tried to make love with above mentioned girls. There is one more incident where I was totally helpless. I totally got messed. I miss you tonight. Memories flooded. Eyes are wet. Take care

30th December 2019

A new year is coming. Hope if I could go for shopping with you. Dont think that I have forgotten all the good times. Definitely I haven't forgotten the bad times also. I always remember your beautiful smile. That smile was a sunshine to me. What a beautiful time Baby. You were not only the best partner but the best ever love. You were not only my sweetheart but also an angel. You could love me. I wasn't a good person. But you loved me. Not everyone can love a person like me. But you could. Im missing you a lot baby. Im in excruciating pain. I have to go through this. Clock is ticking and I remember how the time is passing. This year will be ended soon. So 2019 is gone. I know. There are many endeavours ahead and I wish all the success and happiness for you. I wish you good health. I wish good health to your mother and father. Especially your mother. What a dedicated woman. I miss you a lot.
Will write you again.

29th December 2019

Writing this with a great pain in my heart. I know you are in pain. You dont have to explain your self. I cant get it. Always felt your pain and sorrows. Always I tried to understand what you feel and what you felt. Most of the time I was asking from you about your happiness. Remember how many times did I asked "are you happy"?. It wasn't a joke Baba. It was the love. I loved you a lot. I never had intentions to hurt you or leave you sweetheart. I only tried to be with you. Tried to be yours and always wanted to be yours. Tried to be loved. Always tried to love my little angel as much as I could. As a results I still love you. Love inside of me has not damaged. It grows. Only Im the damaged one. Im the broken one. I miss you a lot. This year ends. Love you Baby. Theruwan saranayi. 

28th December 2019

Baby Im writhing this around 11.30pm. Hope that you are fine. Did something extraordinary and I wished your luck. May you be healthy and happy. May you be even beautiful. How much did I tried to see a smile on your beautiful face. I miss all of those beautiful times. I would never forget the pleasant fragrance in your hair. Tonight I will see you in my dreams. I will see my little queen. I know you have nothing good to remember about me. Everything good about you will be with me forever. Missing you a lot tonight. Endlessly loving you.

27th of December 2019

I think you are on your way to work sweetheart. I remember you a lot. Remembered how we were talking, smiling and sometimes fighting while you were travelling in the bus. I never intended to ignite problems Baba. I just had my pain inside me. I was loving you a lot (now also the same) I was much sensitive to anything affects on our relationship. Now im kind of living in dark. I dont know whats the way out. I only know that I deserve to be like this. I should suffer. Anyway I have to admit that I never wanted anything painful to my little angel. How happy was I to see the beautiful smile in your face. I went mad. I was trying to see my beloved one happy. I want you to be happy Baba. I miss you a lot. 

26th December 2019

So the Christmas day is gone. This year will be ended soon. You will take someone's hand. I have to accept the truth. Also have to accept the pain. Sameway I have to be happy for your success. I will never end my love though.. you are my angel and you are my sweetheart forever. Dont force me to stop loving you. No one can force someone to stop breathing. Same way I have used to love you. I shouldn't be forgiven for being a crappier partner. Punish me. You are welcome. You would say Im cruel. Yea may be true. I was helpless too. I was messed Up. Anyway I have to say that I loved you as much as I could. And Yet im loving you. Times are so difficult when I cannot see you or hear you. I have bunch of memories to live with. I will keep loving you always. Tc

25th December 2019

Christmas day. We could celebrate this one if we were together. What would have we done? What will you plan? I remember you a lot. Keeping all these memories inside me remembering them time to time is interesting. Im not privileged to come and see you or talk to you. I feel the way Im being forgotten. Nothing about me would last inside you sweetheart? No memory will be kept? You felt or saw nothing good about me sweetheart? Each and every minute which I spent and spending has a memory about you. I dont want to stop or end thinking about you. I only wanted to love you deeply. I know I was wrong. I know I've got messed. Loving is wrong baba? I didn't try to hurt you. I never thought to leave you. I miss you a lot. 

23rd December 2019

This year will be ended soon. I dont know what will come next. I will be erased from your memory. Thats inevitably a truth. Time will pass but my memory will keep everything traced and saved. Soon you will be stepped forward for a new life. You will find happiness im sure. I wish your happiness too.  There is nothing but the love I have for you. Writing all this not to whitewash my character which was always an intolerable one. I know you loved me a lot. So did I. So do I. Now the only link between us is love. Do your remember our promises? I hope you do. Forgetting them won't make you a bad person. All on your hands. Forget or remember I wont hate you for anything. Never hated you. Never will. Please be safe. Be happy. Keep your smile (little sunshine made my day).
Love you. 

22nd of December 2019

Planted a tree on that painful day. Trees will remember us. They will silently show and sing our painful love story. There are few more plants growing around my environment behalf of you. Always for you. Those trees might become fruiting in a near future. Or they will provide shades/a shelter for tired people. Most of the plants I personally raised from seeds. So here in a rural place our love will grow in to a greenish vegetation. Well 20th also I planted a tree. A tree for you. A tree for our love. (You will blame me. Its okay. Im accepting it). For the next few months I will take care of them for you. I missed you a lot that day. I dont want to say number of times I had to wipe out my tears. I will keep loving you  my way. Blame me and that okay. I love you a lot. Take care Baba.

21st 2019-2nd post

Im in pain. Same way I would be not here someday. I hope sooner or later. And I dont care about the date. What I want you to know that day is the love I kept in my heart for you. I will search for you. 

21st December 2019

I missed you a lot. I miss you a lot now. And I will Miss you forever. Hard to feel the pain continuously. I know what you have went through after our separation. Anyway I know you have taken many vital decisions to move forward. Im happy to see you happy. Im happy if your parents are happy. Im happy to see your mother's happiness. You will take someone's hand who you love the most. Soon you will take a big leap. I will feel nothing More than the misery and the sorrow. I promise and I swear I have nothing hate you. I have few thousands of reasons to love you. Im not asking you to remember me and Im not asking to foeget me either. Either thing I will accept with a great respect. Your decisions will be respected always. Up to now I never ever tried to breach your privacy. Never tried a single insult on you. Never said a single word agains you and never blamed. I will remain the same in the future too. I will not hurt you. All my love will be a silent secret inside my heart. I will keep loving you forever. I can find many reasons to love you. I wish your luck and the happiness.
I miss you always. 

20th December 2nd post

Sweetheart im writing this with wet eyes. So 2 years gone. But the love remains the same. You are the best thing happened to me. So you are the beloved. I miss you a lot. I will live with this pain. Its not easy. I remembered you a lot today. Did some good things behalf of you. May you live lomg and healthy. May your parents live long and healthy. Tc

20th December 2019

Sadest day in my life sweetheart. Never had intentions to hurt you or harm you. Never thought to leave you. I never tried to harm you (I promise and I swear). So this is the day we talked few words for the last time. So this is the day we said good bye to each other. I was in pain since early morning. I remembered most of our better and bitter moments since 5.00am. My eyes got wet didnt know I was crying. Pain has no words same as the love. I felt love and I do love. Same how im in pain too. I hope you are fine Baba. I will think about you endlessly today and forever. I swear that I will not stop loving you. Last night I thought about you a lot. I dont know how to proceed Baba. How should I? Tell me how. I will everything but the best for you. My little angel so I will keep walking through our memories today. Let the eyes be wet. I want to feel that beautiful time again. Take care. I miss you.

19th December 2019

Im in pain tonight Baba. I was in a psychological shock throughout the day. I remember everything. Remembered how you were crying. I wish everything good to you my little angel.
Tc

19th of December 2019

Hi sweetheart. How are you. A December 19th. Word we exchanged are so sharp and so painful in December 19th of 2018. I dont have a way to apologise or to explain my self. Non of the facts won't make you love me. I know. You have given up the efforts of loving. Kind of very good lesson to me. A better punishment. Living without the beloved person's love can make someone's life miserable than a war. Im not telling that love is a war. But there are things to win. Its not a war and its definitely not a silly contest. I dont think I have failed in loving you. But I have failed in some places/incidents. Trust me i never ever had an intention to hurt you, leave you or abandon you. I only tried to be with you always. Wanted to feel the love and to love. Never knew that love could heal a person like me. My eyes are getting wet baby. You are an angel because you could love a one like me. Take care. 

18th November 2019

Im writing this around 12.25pm. Probably you are ready to take your lunch. Probably with Amali. I remember the time when we were desperately waiting to have a conversation around 12pm. I remember all those joyful days. I miss you a lot. The time is passing like a bullettrain. Sooner comes the sadest day in my life. I know that you have the same feeling. I know there is no love left for me inside your beautiful heart. Im the one who broke your heart. I never had intentions to hurt you though. I will be gone from your memory I guess(you want me to leave your heart?). You may want to forget me too. I have no hard feelings sweetheart. I had only love for you. From here onwards also that love will remain. I will be a good man someday. I will search for you. I loved you a lot. I miss you a lot. Take care. I completed this post around 3.00pm

17th December 2019

Im so sorry for giving you much troubles sweetheart. I never intended to hurt you or a put a burden on you. Somehow I have put you you in trouble. I felt your love. My goal was to see you smiling. My goal was to love you as much as I can. I miss those days. And sooner comes a day. A day with sorrow. Two years ago you cried like a river or a rain. Same day I cried as much as the same. My eyes and eyelids became swollen. Everyone asked me why. What shoud I tell them? I know you had the same issue. You had to face the same/similar crowd. I felt that pain sweetheart. I knew what you were going through. Beloved one broke your heart another time. I will be punished someday sweetheart. I welcome that. I miss you a lot.
Please be happy.
Take care your self. 

16th December 2019

Im at work Baba. I remember you a lot. Because from 6.41am to 8.00am thats the time we were talking to each other. How beautiful was the time. How sweet you were (you are always sweet for me). Hard to live heartbroken. I know you are having the same pain. Your pain always felt baba. I felt it. I never meant those terrible things I said to you. I dont want to change my character and white wash it. Im the wrong person. Im accepting my faults. Im the evil. But I never had intentions to hurt you. I loved you a lot. I loved to see a smile in your face. While Im writing this you are taking your ride to work. I wish I could be that lucky person to pick and drop you at work. I remember the sweet little kiss which I received at the end of each ride. Especially closer to your home. I miss you a lot Baba. Take care. 

15th December 2019 2nd post.

Writing this tonight because I remember my little angel a lot. I hope you sre fine sweetheart. I will meet you in my dreams. Please take care your self.

15th December 2019

Sundays were so tough. I had to come back to work. I had to leave you. I was destined to go far. I came to work with a heart full Of sorrows. My pain was broken out in the bus we had some silly fights. To be honest fight broke out because of my pain. Its okay. You said some painful words too. Up to date I never consider those words are serious. I know you loved me a lot. I felt your love a lot. I still have the gratitude of having you in my life. I still have the love for you. Yet I haven't forgotten the best times we had together. I will keep all that love to you same way. I hope you are at home today. I wish I could hear you baba. Or see you.
I miss you. 

14th December 2nd post

Its a saturday. And I remembered you a lot. Remembered how refreshing was the time with you. Im missing that time now. I hope you are fine Baby. I wish your happiness and safety.
Take care pls

14th October 2019

Im not playing games Baby. Buy im in pain. I dont have a will or wish to reduce my pain. I strongly believe that I should suffer equally. I didn't kept our relationship as a secret as a consequence what im going through now isn't all good too. Anyway what is to be come has to. Someday we have to meet the Destiny. Doesn't matter wether is it painful or not I will accept all of it. Im quite sure that I deserve. For me life isn't a beautiful walk. It wasn't too. Only bad thing I did was I made your life a miserable and painful one. I have to suffer well enough for that. I messed up in my life and Im now too much broken to be a good thing. Now I see my self as an animal. Anyway I will not stop loving you. You are the best thing came in to my life. I was so unlucky to let you leave me (or leave you actually). I never intended to hurt you sweetheart. I miss you

13th December 2019

Sweetheart Im writing this around 11pm. I remember you a lot today. I wish I could see you today. And remembered im not privileged to do so. Anyway you will be there in my dreams. I will meet you there. Im feeling the way Im being forgotten. I have no way to prevent it. Im just trying to survive in a deleting memory. I will be somewhere in your heart. You would not even notice. Will not be an important thing to be noticed. Anyway Im trying to be inside you. You are everywhere in my blood. Dont know what should I do when you leave for a new life. What I can say is that I will always keep loving you. I miss you a lot. 

12 December 2019

Time 7.18. Just came to work. Sarting my job remembering your words "you are going there to help people". I hope you are fine Baba. Well I know you are upset. I know that you are in pain. Im the one to be blamed. Im the one who is responsible for all those pains.
Writing this paragraph somewhat later around 10.11am. Sweetheart remember how you came out for breakfast/snack in the morning? I was running to talk with you. I went mad without your call. I felt your love. I fell in love with you. I felt how good person you are. I didn't have intentions to hurt you sweetheart. All I wanted to do was love you. I felt like we have met before. So familiar with you. So refreshing. Loved to breath through your hair. I loved you like a child. I loved you like a boy. I loved you like I was mad. I miss you a lot.

11th December 2nd post.

I know the way you feel sweetheart. I feel your pain. I never intended any of those terrible words I said to you. I was too afraid to take you through an excruciating pain. Im sorry sweetheart. Its not because I didnt love you. I love you a lot. Loved you then. I love you now. Same way I will keep loving you forever. Im so so bad and crappier person. I accept my character. Dont think that I didnt love you.
I miss you a lot. Remembered you a lot today.
Take care 

11th December 2019

11th of December a Poya day. Are you at work sweetheart? May be yes. Anyway a good day to have a walk though. Well. im not the one holding your hand now. May be you are taking a walk today for real. I wish I could rush to colombo like in the past. Give a ride in the evening after your work. And today morning we could meet then. I still love you the same way Sweetheart.  Not the same but even more. I will not stop loving you. I will keep loving you. Living this way is hard. I can take a turn and see the time I have passed but I will not be able to go back. On the other hand time is passing quickly. Two years gone. I remember the everything. I remember the party in February. I remember the December end.
I remember you. I remember us.
I miss you a lot. 

10th December 2019

A rainy day in December. This is the month hurt us the most. I wish If I could go back and change everything. Im so crappy sweetheart I know that. I sold the 2018. You know what that means? Think! (If you remember you will know what 2018 I sold.) Well its gone. I was ill last few days. Had no other way to rest. The medicine which I took was strong. continuously I was sleeping. Had a muscle damage. I hope you are fine Baba. Im writing this around 5.50pm. I saw a dream last night. I saw you. Now my eyes are getting wet. Remember how happy we were when we walking together holding each other's hands? I feel it like a summer time in my life. May be you have forgotten it. I cant urge you to remember me. If you could remember me someday please think that I had much love to you in my heart. Please keep in mind I breathed my last breath remembering our love. I miss you a lot. 

Take care. 

9th December 2019

Im writing this around 11pm. I was sick sweetheart. Had a severe neck pain. I took some serious meds. They totally sedated me. Then I woke up and knew Im having a serious gastritis. That ruined the whole day. I didnt forget you though. I think Im recovering now. Just took some food with a normal appetite. I remember the way you fed me. Like were feeding to a child. I enjoyed those moments sweetheart. I know non of those memories make no sense to you. Remember how my car battery malfunctioned in Colombo? We were searching a battery charger or someone to help us. I miss you a lot Baby. Take care. 

8th December 2019

Its sunday. In the time when I didnt have a vehicle I left for work in Sunday evening. I hope you remember. I hope you remember how hard was it to leave you. My pain of leaving you, broke out on way to work. I was angry and we had fights on the way too. I didnt get hurt but you said some painful things too. Trust me never had a hate when you said so. I had many reasons to love in such situations. I felf sad but Im much stronger than you think. Especially morally. So does our love. We are physically separated but my love yet growing stronger. Im in pain. Only I know how painful this is. But I dont want to give excuses. Im the one should suffer and its my turn to suffer. Longer or shorter I have to go through this. Definitely I will go through this. Im destined. And the challenge accepted. I will suffer for my deeds. Only thing broken and breaking inside me is my heart. My heart is broken, much damaged (physically and morally). I dont care until when it keeps walking,talking, aching and beating. I just care about the love it has to you. I care about the love I had to you in my heart (not its condition. If it loves you maximally Im good to go). I dont care how broken Am I. I dont care the pain. I have only love. I love you. 

7th December 2019-2nd post

December 7th. This year will be ended soon. I dont feel okay Sweetheart. Its a Saturday. Im writing this around 5.30pm. After walking around colombo suburbs we went for home arpund 4.00pm. I remember the heavy heart when I was looking at the bus you were taking. My heart was full pf sorrows. I was looking at the road for some minutes even after you left for home. I miss you

7th of December 2019

When there is no hope people try to restore faith. But for me faith is another matter. Because I always had faith in you. I always had trust in you. Even when you went to that party in February. Even when you deleted all the chats in a sudden and even when you chat with someone and deleted all of it in a sudden. I kept your passwords because I loved you but Not to breach your privacy, (trust me. Kill me I dont care I will not ruin your name, your privacy and my love under any circumstance). Not to humiliate you (yea I said some words sometimes. I swear Im the only one know the amount of love I have inside me for you. I never showed all of it may be. I have it, trust me if you can.). When everything fail I found a way to love you. When you hurt me, ignored me and insulted me I just kept loving you. Even today I dont have a personal issue with you. I have only a unconditional love to you. I will not stop loving you either. Call me a crap, blame me or hate me. My faith is inside you. I trust you. Definitely to the last breath and beyond I will love you. I miss you a lot. And its a Saturday. Take care.
(I will keep remembering the beautiful Saturdays. Missing you). 

6th of December 2019

Hi sweetheart. I hope you are fine. A Friday. This year will be ended soon. I know that Im being forgotten. People dont feel sadness when they are happy. Some said people don't recognize winter either summer when they are happy. Because they have good reasons to think about. The same apply to me. Can understand what a devastating memory was I (what a devastating person was I to you) . I dont urge or force you to remember me (me=pain). Pain is something I have to live with but definitely not you. I welcome it always. On the other side if you are happy I should be happy. Yes I am. If you are happy nothing to be sad (theoretically and emotionally). Emotionally its a hell of fact which has to be deeply understand. More than an understanding I have to digest it.(you will be starting a happy and joyful life soon.). Im okay Baba. I was searching your smile like a child. Each and every day after a walk or a ride, I asked you "are you happy?". I liked to see that shiny smile. A smile like a sunshine. Im going to miss everything. Feels like a journey which would be endless. May be this is my destiny this time. I just wanted you to know that I was a crappier lover, hurt the one I loved a lot and walked away (but loved you like Im mad.). I will love you like Im a mad guy. That was the only happiness for me. And that will be the only happiness.
Take care.
(Finishing this post around 7.25am. Probably you are closer to your office. Have a nice day)

5th December 2019 (posted at 6.30pm)

How are you sweetheart? Im writing this today throughout the day. As I remember you a lot. Days are passing. This month was a sad one. I dont have to describe how and why. Definitely a reason is me. Being a jerk is another reason. I wish I could go back in time and make everything right. Baba do you hate me? I know either im forgotten or hated. Im not in anger. Have no hate toof. As im the wrong person I still have my regrets. I never had a hate for you. I only had love to you. And I will always love you. You will be loved forever. Time is 2.42pm im at work. Around 3.15 you will comeout for your evening tea. Usually you ran to your mobile phone to call me. I remember all of those moments sweetheart. And I remember how desperately was I waiting to receive your call. I went mad if you were late to call me. I loved each and every minute which we spent together. I will be a good person someday sweetheart and you will be able to love me. I know for now Im a forgotten dark era in your life. I feel sad.
I miss you. 

4th of December 2019

I was writing this post for a long time. But im much late to post this. Because im doing a three day duty. Dalys are rainy many people come to my work place for help. As you said and as you requested Im doing my job correctly. Im helping people as you defined. All the effort because of you. Each and every time when I help someone my heart calls your name. Its because of you sweetheart. I wish I could go back and experience all those good moments with you. I know im too late and im being forgotten. But I kept my word here. I miss you a lot in day and night. I hope you feel my pain and my prayers sometimes. You are always there in my thoughts.
I miss you sweet.

3rd of December 2019

Im writing this around 4.21pm. I think you are already on the bus or may be you are getting a ride now. I wish I could drive you to work and to home. I miss you a lot always. I will keep writing here about all my love. I cant show my love to you now. Im not privileged. I shouldn't too I guess. Some day  you will leave for a new life. I will not change my love Baba. Its with me forever. Im so so unlucky to leave you. But I will not give up on you. It will be you always. Always you. I start to think about you when I get up and throughout the day I keep thinking of you. Even prior to sleep you come to my mind. You are such a beautiful person in my life. No doubt why my sould is attached to you with a deep love.
Take care. 

2nd of December 2019-2nd post

I miss you a lot Baba. I feel terrible about me and my deeds  im frustrated about the way I behaved sometimes. But I have to say that I loved you a lot. I love you forever.
Good night. 

2nd of December 2019

Here it goes sweetheart. Its the December. The most painful/pain filled month of the year. My eyes will remain wet throughout this month. For leaving the love behind/for kicking out the real love from my life. So let me suffer. I never intended any single word I said to you Baba. I told that I dont feel a love to you. I told that I dont have love anymore. I told every possible cruel thing to you. Im the only one who knows the enormous love reserved to you. I fell in love with you at once. I have the love to you always. I was just afraid to take you through a hell of pains. I was helpless within my self. I was to broken to be someone. I was too crappier and broken to be a good lover. Im a mess and I was a messed up person. Could you love me Baba? You loved the evil. You are an angel. In my broken soul I still love you though. Im writing this around 3.34pm. You probably went in to office after your evening tea/snack. I remember you a lot. Im in pain and im in love. Im stuck in my conscience.
I miss you. 

1st of December 2019-(2nd post)

Writing this around 7pm. Usually this is the time when your come home after her work. I still remember her dedication sweetheart. She is a very good person. Only mother except my own mother who could bring tears to my eyes. I relly cried one day in front of you. The way she loved you. My mother loves me the same way. Sweetheart how are you? I hope you were at home today. May be busy and I know (I feel) why you were busy. You will move forward. Its okay Baba. Then remember you will be the most loved. Because I will not stop loving you too. I will never interrupt your life (I promise.) But I will not stop loving you. Blame me,hate me, think im bad, and blame if you like. I will not stop loving you. Im so so evil. Im a very bad person. I was a bad lover. Anyway I will not stop loving you. Im in pain Baba. Im in pain because of love. Im in pain because I have messed up my life. Im in pain because im far away from you. Im in pain because I cant see or hear you.
I remember all the happiness with you. I still remember the way I was looking at you when you took 120 bus. I wanted to shout and cry each and every Saturday evening. May be you have forgotten. I lived my lifetime in a moment I spent with you.
I miss you. 

1st of December 2019

Remember how you called me around 7.00am? I was in the hospital which was closer to my home. We were talking and talking. I began to love you. I began to miss you. I couldn't live without a call from you. Same way I remember the way you went to a night party fooling me around. Its okay. I dont hate you for whatever the thing happened between us. But that day my heart ached a lot. I drank a lot too. Im so sorry. I miss you a lot sweetheart. Each and everyday only another walk through pain. Sweetheart I never tried to hurt you. I just wanted to love you. I wanted to be yours. I wanted you to be mine. But non of those feelings had bad intentions. I loved you always. Even today I love you. Love you more and more but not less.
I miss you a lot.
Tc

30th November 2nd post.

30th of November. Sweetheart this year will be ended soon. Dont you have a simple memory about me? Im not angry for not having that. It's all okay. I must be punished for being a rock like person before love. I was crappier enough to run away from love. Now im in misery and pain. Im so sorry sweetheart. I walked away not because I didn't love you. I told those hurtful words to you not because I didn't love you. I was too much messed baba. I was helpless within my self. I was afraid to drag you through pains. I was too broken. I cant explain it here. Im sorry. I miss you a lot. I love you a lot. Take care love.

30th November 2019

Writing this around 6.50am. Well I dont have to mention the number of times you come in to my head. A Saturday today. Remember the time when I didn't have a vehicle? I was stationed closer to my home. After work I took a bus around 10am and visited you. Those Saturdays were so beautiful. A summer time in my life. I wish I could go back Baba. I might be a crappy person but I love you a lot. Please Remember someday. I loved you to my last breath. Then there after I would wait. I will be a good person and wait for you. Punish me whatever the way you like. Im okay to be heartbroken. Im so familiar with heartbroken life. Im living one already.
I miss you Baba.

29th November 2nd post

Writing this around 11pm sweetheart. Im in pain. I miss you and im totally upset about everything. About the movie (I dont know how you consider it. Main actress of the movie had similarities with you. Beyond that I had no motivation or an intention to insult you by any means. Rainy nights these days. End of the November and soon this year will be ended. Remember how we were chatting?. November wasn't an easy month.
I love you always. 

29th November 2019

Started to write this around 6.25am. As usual I got up arpund 4.55am. Yes I didnt get the good morning greeting from you. Anyway my memory yet functions well. I love you sweetheart. I know you haven't keep anything belongs to me. Including memories. May be you threw them all out from you. Im not blaming. This is just my pain. A friend gave me a film. A film just released (October 2019). Main actor was Will Smith. (I just watched a movie because im already not attending to cinemas. Last one I went with you. So that will be my last movie in a movie hall. I will not go again).
What an Amazing thing Baba. The main actress in the movie had many similarities with you. Movie ended with tears in my eyes. I love you a lot. Im totally a mess sweetheart but I still love you . I remember you a lot. I dont know how to deal with the future. I just want you to know I loved you to the last breath.
Tc

28th November 2019 2nd post.

11pm. I remember you a lot Baba. Tell me what should I do. Whats shouldn't I do. Dont tell me not to love you. You are my blood. You are my heart. I miss you a lot.
Good night sweetheart 

28th November 2019

Soon you will take someone's hand. I dont have to express the way I would feel. I will not feel comfort when the most loved one leaves me. I loved you like a child, like a boy and like a grown man.(I will love you forge I loved you every possible way Baba. Im so so brutal, foolish, helpless and broken to go beyond. Im stuck in my conscience. Im a prisoner in my own prison. My heart is with you. My heart lives in you. All my feelings are with you. You will be happy and lucky without me. I won't hate or be jealous. But sweetheart im in pain. Im in disappointment. Im in love. I dont have a way to proceed. Im wrong and I was wrong in each and every step which I took. But my dear was I wrong to love you? Am I a criminal because I loved you? I dont know the answers. I have a bag full of questions and regrets.
Love you. 

2nd post 27th of November 2019

1.30pm. Probably you went back in after the lunch. Remember the time when we chatted in your lunch hour? You  Amali akka and few others took lunch together. I remember everything Baby. I know the pain you took because of me. Nothing will be forgotten. You had love for me. I will love you endlessly. I miss you a lot. 

Writing on 27th. A retrospective of 26th of November.

A day started with heavy rains. Sky was dark and heavy with clouds. Heavy as my heart. The day was wet like my eyes most of the times. Which memory doesn't bring a tear in to my eye daily. Thats fine. For hurting you I dont deserve a forgiveness. So let it be. I will take it. Let me cry.
I will remember, count and recount those beautiful days with you daily. I feel so angry about my self most of the time. Because I kicked out the love from my life. I left you like a cruel villain. Walked away but my heart is at your feet. I left my heart inside you. You would say no. But sweetheart we have met before. That sweet feeling I had when I first see you. Definitely It remembered me a relationship existed  for centuries or a millennium. I will always love you I promise. I will wait for you Baba. I will try to be a good person. I miss you. 

27th November 2019

Im so sorry sweetheart. I had a training. I left home early morning and returned to work at late night. Had no enough time to write. Anyway time is passing. Time will not wait for me. I feel the way you move on. A dream of a bride. That bride was you. These aren't coincidents. I know what comes the next. I dont have an anger,jealousy or a hate sweetheart. I wont break my last few promises too. I will not damage your privacy too. I will miss you a lot. You dont trust but I love you a lot. You will move on. But Im emotionally stuck in time and in life. I dont see an easy way forward or out. Everyday I remember you and the best times of my life with you. You were a sunshine to me. You were the strength too. Now im barely taking steps. Im like disabled in a strange way. Im too much broken and crappy. My eyes are wet Baba. I didnt forget you in last two days. I will write what was happened those days. I miss you.

25th November 2019.

I hope you are at work today. Im writing this exactly at 1pm. You are going back to work after the lunch hour. I can imagine how Beautiful you are today. When we were together each and every day was a beautiful one. Well. You are stepping forward and the time is passing. Someday I will be too old and you will not even recognise me either. Time is such an unkind thing. I wish we had more time. I wish if I could live together. I wish if we could meet earlier. You will forget me totally sweetheart. I deserve. Im not angry with you for that. People make moves. I dont blame you for anything. I felt and I knew that you loved me. I was just an idiot who couldn't recognise things. I was too messed up. I miss you a lot sweetheart. 

24th November 2019

A sunday. Im writing this around 9.30pm. Somewhat deviated from usual timetable of the daily posting. I had a dream today sweetheart. Well you can laugh at me or make a joke. Or both of us in pain, you have all the right to blame me. It was around 2pm. I was sleeping and I saw you in a wedding dress. I know Baba.. I know you are ready to move on.. you are moving forward. Im here just because I can't go back and I can't move forward either. Whata destiny being dictated. I dont have a hope about me. I have all the trust and hope inside you. I have my faith and love to you. Probably the only wealth I have up to date is the love. Love which I have for you. I know after all these long days a time comes to forget me. Happiness will find you. I will be just a character in a forgotten dark era. I will live somewhere i side you. I will!!! My love will be forever. Im sorry for being a mad one. Im sorry for understanding everything wrong. Im sorry for being a rude person. Im sorry for hurting you.
I miss you a lot.. Hard to feel happy. Thats okay for me. I deserve this way. I wish my little angel all the happiness. 

23th November 2019

I was lucky to meet you Baba. But I couldn't take you to Jungle beach, sembuwaththa and to the temple. I wish I could do so. I will remember all my promises baba. I will not forget my promises baba. But i feel sad a lot about the issues we faced. I feel upset about the way I dealt with those problems. More than anything I feel hurt because I went away from you. But my heart hasn't left you. Everyday my heart beats for you Baba. Till the last beat my heart will love you. I will keep that love to you forever. Im too much messed up and too much broken to be loved. I miss you a lot in each and every moment which Im passing in my life. Im so sorry sweetheart. Love you. 

22nd November 2019

Time is 6.00pm. Writing to you bearing a heavy heart and a loneliness. I wish I could drove you home. How sweet was those days? I hope you have forgotten them because you have to decrease your pain. No offense. You have the right to do so. I still keep my love for you. I dont have a wish to end that love. I dont feel a comfort in abandoning you and the love to you. I know Baba you think to avandon all tye memories about me. I hurt you because I loved you (I cant tell you how was that. Thats why im telling you im too much messed up and too much broken. I never intended to hurt you. I LOVE YOU!!!) I just didnt want to drag you in a hell of pains. I always loved to see my sweetheart smiling. I was broken in to pieces thousand times seeing you crying. I said I dont love you. What a fucking arsehole was I. Im totally an idiot. Damn I get what a shitty shit was I. Im so sorry for hurting you my little angel. I didn't mean those words. I was just in pain and disappointment. I love you a lot. I know my heart loves you always. Take care. 

21st November 2019

Writing this today around 4.pm. and continuing to write slowly because im working too. To morrow will be a friday. Those Fridays were so exciting. I will recall those memories now. I will remember the better moments. It doesn't mean that im going to firget the bitter moments. Bitter moments were most of the time my faults. So I wont make them a big issue. Somehow someday im in the one to suffer. So Baba how are you? Sweetheart I know im not the beloved person now but.... Sweetheart please remember to stay away from harm. I don't have to tell this continuously. There is a dengue epidemic in colombo. Remembered the sad view in Colombo south teaching hospital Kalubowila. I was looking at you for a long time. One of the hardest things to see. I was praying for your health (you would definitely argue that im lying. Trust me, I was praying.). I know how dangerous is to get ill. I know how dangerous steps people are taking daily and no one know the disaster which comes ahead. Health is such a thing. I miss you a lot baba.
Take care. 

20th November 2019

If I get a chance what I want to do is start everything new. You know sweetheart a heart full of regrets is the most difficult thing to carry. My heart is heavy. You know it. I loved you then and I love you now. I will keep loving you till the end of this  misery. Hope this misery would end someday like a winter ends. Trees would be greenish and flowers will bloom. Beautiful tulips to be smile. And our love to be grown further. I still remember the touch. I still remember your fragrance. I will miss you a lot. My heart will beat its last beat singing your name. Or calling your name. I wish that day would come earlier. I wish it wont be painful. After all of those difficult days about us a good day will come. I will wait sweetheart. Only I know how much I love you. Only I know how much You got hurt because of me. Im frustrating about the past. Im disappointed about the present. Im desperate and doubtful about the future. I will keep my faith in you and the love.
Love you. 

19th November 2019

I was a little late to write for few days. I was duing a long duty hours. I feel okay. I was tired but im good. Being tired is okay if the job gives a satisfaction. There is no satisfaction like I had two years ago when I was taking 3-4 days continuous duties. My goal was to reach you. I miss you a lot Baba. I will keep this pain. Im not good I know. Sweetheart you think that I never loved you? You are the only thing in this world which I could fell in love with. Your memory is a continuous song which keeps singing inside me. I promise that I will keep my love for you forever. Time will pass. I know you are ready to take someone's hand. You are proceeding. I think im stuck. Anyway I promise baba in whatever the situation my love will still be there with you.
I have a heart full of love to you.

18th November 2019

Hope you are fine sweetheart. Im writing this in the evening. Remembered you a lot. Remembered the way I was sleeping on your lap inside my vehicle. I loved that fragrance. I loved the way you rubbed my hair. I was loving you and your love. I feel that you have already forgotten everything. But yet I haven't. I dont have a wish to forget the sweetest person I ever had in my life. Somedays you have to forget the last memory about me. I know that Baba. That day will come soon enough. I will keep that pain inside me. Same way you took the pain when I left you. Its my fault. Yet my heart and everything inside me loving you. Every molecule inside me love you. I dont have a hate Baba. I will keep loving you. I miss you a lot this evening.
Take care. 

17th November 2019

Gotabhaya became president. I remember how we were upset about the previous government. Sweetheart how are you? Hope you are going to the work today. Wherever you go stay safe. Will you? I will keep remembering you always. Each day has its making to remember you. I follow our routine daily. I hope you remember those days. In the morning I pour water to our plants. Plants by your name. When I close my eyes your image builds up infront of me. How beautiful you are. Now im not privileged to see you. Anyway you cant stop me loving you. I will keep all that love to you till the last possible breath. Im not good Baba. Not being good isnt a reason which could prevent the love/loving you.
I miss you so much. 

16th November 2019

Sweetheart im doing a night shift today. So tired. You are the only person who can give me a relief. I remembered you a lot. Strange day. Elections. Results haven't been released yet. I wish I could see you sweetheart. Sweetheart today my message a little short because the mobile phone's charge is getting lower fast. I miss you. 

15th November 2019

I hope you are fine Baba. This weekend you will be resting im sure. I remembered you a lot. My heart seeks you. I dont have an option other than keep remembering our good times. Last night also I was remembering the walks we had together in WatersEdge. Those were the happiest times of my life. I remember how you smiled. What a innocent smile you have my sweetheart. Your smile could make a person a living thing. And same way I was dedicated to see your smiles. I was so happy to see you smiling. What a lucky thing to see. Good times passed may be. Anyway I will keep my faith in you. I will keep my love to you. I will wait for you my queen. I love you a lot. And Baby please be safe. I dont have to explain I guess. The environment is full of hazards. From a mosquito to a speeding vehicle.. so dangerous. I want you to he safe everywhere. Take care Baba.

14th November 2019

Sweetheart after elections colombo environment may become chaotic. I think you know the issues. So please be careful and stay at home. I wish your safety. Writing this a little late because I was doing on of the busiest 24 duties yesterday. I wish I could take a rest. My job has no time to rest. Our staff is less. I remember I told you Jayathilaka was removed from his position by the government. Said it was an administrative issue. He is spending a very poor life now. I visited him personally and give a bag of dry food. I remember you also. Well anyway our staff is getting smaller and the work is becoming heavier. I hope you understand the problem. I didnt forget you instead I remembered you a lot. I miss you very much Baba. Please Take care.
Love you. 

13th November 3rd post

I remembered you a lot Baba. I was listening to a song. I remembered it played in a day we were travelling together. I miss you a lot. My mind goes mad. 

13th November 2nd post. (1.41pm)

I remember how I said that I dont have feelings for you. How I didnt have or dont have feelings for you? Since you are the most soft and the loveliest felt person in my life. I wish I could go back and make things correct again. You are the only valued thing I have and I ever had in my life. I miss you a lot Baba. Take care.

13 November 2019

Birds are sing this morning looking at the sunrise. Got up around 5.00am as usual. Remember how we talk and greet each other in the morning? I Remember the "good morning" message came from you. I still remember those beautiful days. I'm thinking about you frequently. It is painful but I would never forget my sweetheart. I will keep my faith in love. I will keep my trust in you. I will wait for you. Im not a jerk Baba. Im too much broken and messed up. I wanted to love you. You are the sweetest and the softer feeling I have ever felt in my life. I miss you a lot sweetheart. Starting and finishing a day without you isn't a comfort.
Please take care. C u. 

12th November 2019

Today a poya day. I remembered how you were waiting to go to a temple with me. Sadly we couldn't. But Baba we did lot of good things. We donated water to people affected by natural disasters. We donated food to the poor. We donated money to poor. We lived and enjoyed our time like Buddha said. I remembered everything. Writing this arouns 3.40pm. May be you are working today too. I planted a new tree. This tree will also grow to remember you. There are more to come. I poured water today evening. May those trees give flowers and fruits by the name of our love. May those trees have a little sense about us. May they be helpful to people. May those trees sing the unknown and the silent story about our painful love. I hope those trees will mark good memories about us. I personally dedicate this to you, your love and the kindness offered to me. You are the only person deeply loved to a evil person like me. I miss you. I will keep loving you forever. Take care Baby. 

11th November 2019

Im writing this in the midnight Baba. If I was a opportunity seeking bad guy I will not write here and say love you this much. If im a real jerk do you think I would write here? I think no. I wasn't jerking around. I wasn't fooling you around. Im messed. Im bad. Im a crap. Please understand though! I love you. I love you now. I will love. I loved you then. I happy to live 5 seconds breathing through your hair than living a 80 years long joyful life. I feel that way because I love you. Only I know how sweet you are. Only I know how delicate you are. Only I know how kind you are. Only I know how good you are. You are good intelligent and kind baba. I always knew. I love you and your personality. I miss you a lot. This year ends. Time is passing. Im crying tonight secretly. Take care. 

10th November 2019.(retrospective)

I hope you are fine Baba. I was in a short training yesterday. Came home and slept early. In the morning time I planted a tree. I remembered you doing so. Yesterday was a Sunday. Those are the days which we stayed together like two little birds. In freedom and happiness. I love you forever sweetheart. I miss you. 

9th November 2019.

Writing this in saturday evening remembering all our good memories dedicated to Saturday. How desperate was I to meet you. Amazing time. I worked endlessly to take a leave in the weekend. Knowing that you have forgotten me, im living this life painfully. I wish I go back to those days. Hug you and hold your hand. Kiss you. Breath through your hair. Talk and smile. And eat together. Love you like im mad. (Im so unlucky) And I remember everything belongs to our story. Im counting our memories today. Sure we could have met before. Sure we should have met before. Time will pass. This life will pass. I will wait for you Baba. I did something good today. I wished your good luck doing so. I remember you a lot. Remember we donated to poor people food and money? We did good things together. I miss you. 

8th November 2019

A friday. Remembered how busy was I to end all my work by 9am and leave for Colombo. Thats how I came to meet you sweetheart. I was chatting with you till midnight. Then woke up early (we woke up together. If I woke up early I called you. Remember?). Now im remembering all those moments and beautiful days. I know im a forgotten era. I understand the difficulty of keeping  a memory about me in your mind or heart. I know how troublesome person was I. Now I know the reason for forgetting me. Im not blaming you Baba. How to say a word when all the faults are in my hands? I just want you to say that I love you forever. Even in my last moment you will be in my mind. Dont think that this is just an incident. No Baba we were waiting to meet. We met. Sadly im rude this time. I will be a good person someday. I will love you like a gentleman someday. I will wait for you. Dont forget we have met before. 

8th November 2019

Im writing this around 7pm tonight. Thought to write in the evening or night sometimes. Im in pain sweetheart. Same time I remember the harsh time we went through. I remember the fights we had. Those memories make me mad. Pain increases. Not only the pain in mind. Baba remember the chest pain which I had? Last night it came back. After a long pause finally it came back to me. I welcome anything sweetheart. I dont care now. Im trying my best. I just want you to remember a small fact only. I want you to remember that I loved you breathing my last breath also. I want you to know my heart kept singing your song (your name/you) till the last beat. I want you to know that I will keep loving you forever. I miss you a lot. Pains aren't forever.
Take care your self.

6th November 2019

Im writing this around 3.45pm. 15 minutes prior to your leave from the work. Baba is it bad I I could hold your hands take you home after work? I remember the past sweetheart. Hope you haven't forget. I came to your work place few times to take you home. Im the only one who knows  how fast was I deriving to take that pleasure of taking you home. Our past Baba. Our love. Forever you are my love. Forever you are mine. I will keep loving you always. Baba If I was a total sick bastard, would I feel this way? I think no. Would I living this pain? I hope no. I remember you many times a day. Sometimes I pour water to your plants. The trees growing on behalf of your name. Call me a jerk. Call me an idiot. Yea I call my self an idiot too. Dont say I dont love you. Dont say I didnt love you. I miss you a lot. 

5th November 2019

Good morning sweetheart. I hope you are doing fine. I dont have a goal or a wish Baba. I only wish and pray for your health and wealth. I wish the same to your parents and my parents. I dont have things to be happy beyond them. Im so happy if I could see your face once more. I would be so happy if I could heard your voice once more. I know all of those wishes arent possible things anymore. Definitely im not privileged and I dont deserve too. Each morning I remember you and Im making a wish for the day. Time will be passed. You will feel the comfort of forgetting the painful past. You will feel the comfort of forgetting the painful people(person). You will feel the happiness of your new encounters. You will proceed in a new way. I promise that I will keep loving you. What else I should do?.... tell me.
I miss you a lot. I miss you like im mad.
Take care Baby

4th November 2nd post. (4.32pm)

Remembered you Baba. Keeping this short note in the evening. Its 4.32pm. I think you are already closer to home. I miss you a lot. If you are happy im happy too. Hardly digested fact but true, Im forgotten. Its okay if you are happy. I promise to keep loving you. Take care. 

4th November 2019

So this year is ending. The one that you say about. You had some predictions for 2019. Its ending. Soon you will move forward and not be alone anymore. You will be holding someone's hands. Do I have to accept all this Baba? Do I have to watch you leaving me? Is there a meaning in living? Living for the sake of just living. Thats so uncomfortable. I wish I could see you once before all this. Some say life isn't a march or a run. Then why is it going this fast? You will be happy with the new endeavours coming to your life. You will raise children. Definitely you will be happy. I wish your happiness too Baba. Im so sad for not being  your beloved person. I know im already defeated within this contest (I consider so). Defeated because of few awkward and crappy decisions I made. Who can say what happens next. I dont have at least a remote glimpse about future. I wish you a good future though.Sweetheart I will love you forever. Take care. 

3rd of November 2019

Sweetheart please dont misunderstand. someday if you see my messages please accept my apology. Yesterday i didnt know how. When my mobile was in the pocket, my mobile it self dialled. That was your number. I will not disturb you again sweetheart. That was a mistake. (I wish I could hear you. I wish I could talk to you. But yesterday's call is not an intentional. Im so sorry Baba.). I dont want to make another mess in your life. I love to see you happy. I love to see you smiling. Never want to hurt you. I dont have intentions to hurt you further. I miss you a lot. I love you a lot. I want you to live happily. I will wait for you. I can. I know, I waited for you a long time. Do you think this is just an encounter? No Baba. We have met before. We have met before. I miss you..
Please take care your self. 

2nd of November 2nd post

I don't know how. Today suddenly I heard my phone in the pocket is calling. I dont know how. I think accidentally it touched and a call went to your phone. Im so sorry Baba. Im didnt do it intentionally. Please forgive me. I will never come across your way. Saying again. Im so sorry. That was a total mistake. Take care. 

2nd of November 2019

A Saturday. I will dream how I walked with you. I will dream about the softness of your hands. I will dream about the fragrance of your hair. I will remember the way you talked. I will remember your smile. How we ate together. How you feed me. How happy we were. I get the fact that im a cruel person to abandon our love and leave. Its wasn't my intention. Im so sorry. Hate me and blame me. Punish me as much as you can. I deserve to suffer more. Suffer not only for being cruel but also for hurting you. How many times did I think to go back and Feel all the things again. Never break up. I never wanted to hurt you. You were my sweetheart. You were my baby. You were my angel. And you always will be. I miss you a lot Baba. Take care. 

1st of November 2019.

Days passing so quickly. Its hard to feel this way. Im in pain sweetheart. I dont have Any other way to express my pain. I cant see you. I cant hear you either. What I can do is keep loving you. I will keep my faith in you. I will love you forever Baba. If Im a criminal minded person, Would I feel this way? If my intention was cheating on you, would I feel this pain? I never intended to hurt you Baba. I only wanted to love you. Love you as much as I can. Make you happy was my happiness. Now I miss you a lot. I remember you a lot. Im hiding within a darkness and a silence. Only thing which I could try is keep my faith in you. Same way loving you. I hope you are fine.
Please take care your self Baba. 

31st October 2019.

Got up around 4.55am and slept again. Heavy rains here thesedays. I remember our beautiful past. It was like yesterday. 2 years gone. Long time no see. I have an Image of you in my mind like a beautiful portrait picture. When I close my eyes I see you. I will keep devoted to our love. I will keep all our memories with me. I will not forget those beautiful moments. Writing this around 7.00am again. You are probably on your way to work. I miss you a lot Baba. I wish to see you. I know im not that much privileged person now. Anyway I dont have an intention to come in front of you and hurt you further. I will keep you inside me. I will try my best to live inside you. I can do that. I will wait. I will love you forever. Please be safe. Tc.

30th October 2019

How are you sweetheart? I hope you are fine. See how quickly the time passing. Amazing this year also ends. Sure time is a machine. I can feel/understand the time line of being forgotten. 2019 that year you were thinking of is ending. I know what will come in next place. I dont hate or I dont feel a jealousy to you. Definitely I cant forgive faults in my hands. I hurt you. You suffered a lot. Now its my turn to suffer. This shouldn't go this way. I intended you. What I believe that I could meet you someday. My heart is with you. Anyway I will keep loving you Baba. I know Im about to lose my last grip from your memory. I promise to keep you in my heart forever. I miss you a lot. 

29th October 2019.

Started to write this around 6.42 am. You are walking toward the bus stop. I wish I could take that privilege to travel with you. I remember how you planned to visit Maldives with me. I told okay. And again asked "how about France?". I miss those moments with you. I dont hear your sweet voice now. I remember how you recorded some songs and let me listen to them. My eyes are getting wet when I remember the history. Pain aggregate or persist long when I remember those moments. Im in pain Baba. I know im the wrong guy. I know I made the mess. Yet Im im pain. And Im in love with you. I hope you are fine sweetheart. I miss you a lot too. Please take care your self. Theruwan saranayi. 

28th October 2019

Writing this in a big disappointment. I dont know will this last long. Im in a total disappointment. About me and about everything. I wish this isnt the story I needed. Or the script of my life. Im going through very tough time. I miss you a lot. I will write to you in the evening again. 

27th October 2019

May be you just got up. Sundays you took more rest. May be you are taking walks in Sundays also. You might think Im your fake lover Baba. I think Im not. I was too messed up to love. Im helpless and in pain. I didnt just fell in to love. I felt you Baba. I felt good things about you. I felt that you are a good character. Then I started to love you. I wish I could meet you early. If it happened, so I wont mess up my life this way. I just want to hold your hand and love you endlessly. After all Im not that lucky this time. Im sure the person who takes your hand would be the luckiest guy on earth. I know I was about to be that person. Im yours too baba. Blame me enough. Anyway I belong to you. And you belong to me. I will wait whatever the time. I want to love you. I want to be yours. I want you to be mine. I miss you a lot Baba. 

26th October 2019.

Good morning sweetheart. How are you? I hope you are fine. Rainy days. Anyway you might planning for a walk today. We walked even in rains. I dont have that right to hold your hand now. Anyway I have to say that I miss you a lot. Im delighted to keep loving you. You are a shining star in the dark to me. You are a lamp in the night to me. Daily Im keep remembering our past. I keep remembering good things about us. (I know im not good). Dont you remember we donated money and food to poor people? Remember it. Yes we did it. Our love made other people also happier. Something good we did together. I will keep writimg daily. Im not sure about a chance to show my thought to you, which I have written here. Sweetheart I lived broken heart. I promise that I will keep loving you. Take care Baba.

25th October 2019

Writing this in the morning. A week passed. Time is running like a bullet train. So does the life. I know you are forgetting me. I feel a big disappointment when I remember whats going to happen next. I have to stay this side of the river and see how you are leaving. I have to keep silent. I want to say I love you. But I know im not privileged. Im not allowed. Soon you will take the hand of your beloved person. I will not disturb you Baba. I will not hurt you this time. I will wait. This time I will wait. You thing this is the first time we met? No sweetheart. No. We have met before. Many times. You dont remember. We are such a long time partners, travellers and lovers. I will keep waiting for you. I will wait whatever the time it takes. Im to messed up to come and claim you. But if it is a necessity I will come forward. I miss you a lot. For the sake of love I will remain silent. Please take care your self. Today is a friday. Many memories.

24th October 2019

Writing this around 3.15 pm. Soon you will come out for the evening snack. These days are rainy. Sweetheart dont forget we both got ill from a fever. So dont get caught ill with dengue. Beware about your surroundings. Im continuing to write this and the time is 4.36. I think you are already on your way home. Or may be just got off from the bus. I miss you a lot sweetheart. Each and every day without you is a torture to me. But I will keep my trust in love. I will keep loving you. When there is no hope we trust the love I guess. I hope you are fine Baba. Im doing a 24 hour duty. All together im covering a 48 hour round. I hope you remember how I took 72 hour and 96 hour duties to see you in weekends. Im happy when I remember that time. Take care.

23rd October 2019

Writing this around 6.42am. I know you are taking the short walk to the bus now. I have a mind full of love to you Baba. I will not have the chance or the privilege to express it to you. But my heart knows how much I love you. Only I know this. I know a day soon will come to forget the last available memory about me. I dont ask or urge you to keep a last memory about me. I have all the memories with me. I will live my little lifetime with my memories. Nothing will be ever forgotten. And there will be time which we could meet again. I will keep my trust/faith in love. Im not a person who deserve love. I know Baba. So let it be. Let me suffer enough. I promise that I will find you someday. I will make you my queen. I will crown you and hold your hand. I miss you a lot. 

22nd of October 2019

Started to write this around 6.30am. You are ready to come out from home I guess. How are you sweetheart? I feel like the time is rushing. Time will pass. Plans will be scheduled. You will take someone's hand. I wish everything but the best for you Baba. You went through hell. Because you loved me you got hurt. I know the pains you felt and went through. I have to go through the same amount of pain. Road ahead of me isnt so clear and definitely not an easy one. I feel nothing aboutmy self. Whatever comes to me especially my fate, I will accept. I agree the fact that I have to suffer a lot. I dont ask mercy. I dont think this suffering for me would last long. That is just a hope. By the name of our love, I will drag this broken cart/vehicle further. I remember the day we met for the first time. Thats was a beautiful day. Birds sang, vehicles were rushing. I met my queen in a urban junction. A junction in my life too.
     I will keep loving you always. Take care sweetheart. 

21 October 2019.

I started to write this around 12.20pm. Exactly the time you are coming out for your lunch. Remember the smiles, talks, chats, secrets and jokes we had together in your lunch break? I know Im a Jerk Baba. My moves made you sad. Not only sad sometimes my deeds made you to be isolated in tour work place. I was wrong I guess. I just wanted to win you. I wanted to love you much. I did that. I still love you. Yet your name and the memory is a song kept singing inside my soul. I feel I will be forgotten forever. That will happen. I dont hate you for choosing a way without pains. You deserve all the happiness. I wish I could be your happiness. I messed up all of it top to bottom. Im so so crappy. Anyway I will not stop loving you Baba. I miss you a lot. May be now you are talking with your beloved one. Im writing this. I just wanted to say that I love you. Take care. 

20 October 2019. Sunday evening.

Writing this Sunday evening. Specifically I skipped the morning letter today. Why? Just remembered our past Baba. Remember the time I left Colombo in Sundays. In the time had no vehicle. Remember sweetheart?, it was very hard to leave you. I went mad. My heart was heavy. some how I left Colombo for my job every Sunday evening. May be you dont remember now. sweetheart my Bus left at 6.00pm. Im writing this letter around 5.50pm today. Dont think that I forgot you. No I didn't forget you. Instead I tried to celebrate our memories. Now the time is 5.53pm. Here it is.. 7 minutes more. The bus leaves at 6.00pm. Baba that pain was killing me. Which pain? The pain I felt when I left in Sundays.  I remember everything sweetheart. I wish I could go back to that past. I miss you a lot. 

19th October 2019. 2nd post.

Remembered you a lot Baba. So im writing the second post also. I feel the way im being forgotten (im not accusing you sweetheart. I feel so.). Rainy seasons started. Many memories here. I can cry in the rain so no one would see my tears. Im remembering you and our love. Im remembering all the good memories we had together. NilManel in the pond is flowering. The sepalika tree is flowering. Those views and fragrance bring me the memories about you. My eyes are wet. I miss you a lot. Be safe Baba. 

19th October 2019

Time is passing sweetheart. Another morning. Another Saturday. May be you are going for a walk today. Or shopping. I want to come with you. I know Im not the person for that now. I will keep lovong to us. You and I. I will keep loving our love. Saturday mornings belonged to us. We were taking long walks. Never felt tired. Smiled and enjoyed. Such a beautiful time. Sweetheart I love you always. Doesn't matter who loves you or not. Your broken ugly lover yet loves you. I know you dont have a love or a feeling toward me. Its okay. But you cant stop me loving you. I dont have good reasons to give Baba. What I can about is the way I messed up. I wish I could hug you, kiss you and say how much I love you. May be not in this life. I know. I will keep loving you. And I wont forget you. I miss you a lot. 

18th October 2019.

How are you sweetheart? I hope you are fine. And by this time of the day you are taking a bus to work. Today is a friday. Fridays was the coolest. Fridays were so refreshing. I was rushing through greenish roads to see you. Sometimes I was trying to reach you between 4pm and 5pm. Those days were beautiful. Writing this also this morning remembering all the love we had together. (I know now the term probably you are using is fake love). I wasnt fake in love Baba. I was so crappier in many moves and decisions I made. Im so sorry. I love you a lot. I know I will not be able to writie each and every morning. Someday I will not be here to write. I hope that day you will come to see me. For a one last good bye. I miss you a lot. 

17th October 2019.

I started to write this in early morning. Since Im following my old routine. I got up around 4.55am as usual. I know I will not see a good morning message. I know sweetheart you will not be able to greet me that way. Two years ago, I was desperate to see that message. I was waiting to receive that message. After some times I began to wake you up around 5am. I hope you remember. I began to ring you and wake you up. Best days of my life. Remember sweetheart? May be forgotten. Its okay then. Im not forcing you to remember me or those moments. Anyway I will be a forgotten person in the future. Kind of painful but I have to accept what to come. I have to accept the the things which meant to happen. What I want to say is that I would keep loving you always. I will breath my last breath loving you. Take care Baba. 

16th October 2019.

When you forget me someday I will be no one to you. Thats sad but I have to accept this. I hurt you, now its my turn to accept the consequences. If I love I have to know the acceptance. Thats the beauty of love. I have seen you smiling and I was happy like a child to see that. I have seen you crying, I was an idiot (I was looking). We had joy and the pain. Now you are far. Im not seeing you. I hear nothing from you. Its an strange feeling. You know why? I feel and remember things like they were happened yesterday. Someday if you take a look in to the blog remember! I was mad without you. I was missing you a lot. 

15th October 2019

Writing this ending a totally fed up 24 hour duty. Yet im so energized to write to you. You are the person who motivated me this endeavour. Remembered the headaches I had after long hour works. I think you might not remember. Once, one of my Co-workers got ill. We were two to carry out daily duties and 24 hour duties. But I definitely had to visit you in the weekends. I think thats a record. (im just telling. I dont want to talk about me a lot. But you made me strong Baba.). I took a 4 day duty (24×4). I dont have to say how hard I felt. I had a headache lasted for months after that. Thats not the only time I took long hour works to see you. I felt happy doing that. Now I remember those things. I miss you a lot. You were such a motivation to me. Love you. 

At 3pm. 14th October

Just finished my evening work. Today a 24 hour duty. Baba I remember you a lot. Soon you will come out from the office for your evening snack. May be you are yet following the same routine. I love you. Tc. 

14th October 2019

Time passes quickly. This year would be ended soon. What will be the future?. Coming year you will take the beloved person's hand. You will start a new journey. I wished to be that lucky person. I think I wasn't lucky enough. I think it's because of my character. I lost you for a while. I know and I promise sweetheart. I will find you. I will be a good person. Love you even more. I will not hurt you but make you happy more and more. I will wait and that day will come. That future will come to us. This is like sailing in an endless sea/ocean. I see no land. Only thing keeps me functioning is you. Im inspired by your words. Yesterday remembered your mother. You have a good mother. I love her too. I remember everything she did for you. She works to give you a better life. I remember the day she got ill. Remember how you messaged me. I think thats where I encountered a sentimental feeling about you. About us. That day I felt something for you. I felt like I met someone I know/I knew. Well...I know you dont remember none of them. Its okay sweetheart. I miss you a lot. Take care. 

13th October 2019

Its a sunday. I remember we have met in few Sundays also. I don't remember exactly when. May be you were taking few walks yesterday. May be today also. May be you are at home with mother. I understand, may be you have etter plans for weekends. Not like with me. We met secretly. I didn't have intentions to hurt you Baba. I felt only love toward you. In exchange I felt a lot of love from you. I was trying to give my warmth to you. I wanted to be with you forever. I wanted to make you mine. I wanted to breath every single breath in my life through your hair. I loved the fragrance of your hair. I loved the love which I received from you. Nothing about us will be forgotten Baba. I will keep our story with me forever. I will keep loving you the same way. I wish you everything but the best. I love you.

12th of October (a retrospective note)

Sweetheart I was ill. I had a respiratory tract infection with a fever. I couldn't write. I missed you a lot. 

11th October 2019

All those memories are with me. Baba please understand someday! I will remember that beautiful past belong us while im breathing my last breath. Please Sweetheart keep in mind! my heart had beaten for you since we met. My heart missed you a lot. My heart was a broken and unkind one. My heart had no understanding about love. I think the worst thing inside of me is my heart. It didnt get pain. It didnt get the real love (I love you Baba. Its how I messed up everything.). 

Since we separated I cried many nights. I felt how you cried too Baba. I never thought to leave your hand sweetheart. 

10th October 2019.

Writing this around 3.30pm. I think you came out from the office for a snack. Your face is an image in front of my eyes when I close my eyes. I dont have the real privilege to see you. Anyway I will try to feel you. I will try to imagine about you. You are my highness forever. You are my queen forever. You arey joy forever. You are my inspiration forever. I think about you always Baba. Hope you are fine. I remember you came out from the work around 4.06pm. What a joyful time we had. I was waiting for that call from you. I went mad if you didnt call me. I loved you then. And I love you now too. I will love you forever sweetheart. I remember how you made a small request to be presented at your graduation. I loved to be there. I wish all your success sweetheart. Take care your self sweetheart. 

9th of October 2019.

Writing this a little late. I was somewhat late today. I think you are already in the bus. I wish I could give a ride sweetheart. I remember the terrible things I said to you. Yes. Definitely im a real jerk. I remember how you cried. You said "you will understand this pain when you have children". I know Baba. You were right. I knew that back then too. I was just a jerk. Im sorry. Now im going through even a greater pain. This I deserve Baba. I should suffer even more. For the pain I gave to you, I should suffer beyond this. I wish you a better future sweetheart. I can feel that. I wish you the success. I wish you love. Above all I will keep loving you forever. I will not stop. I miss you a lot. 

8th of October 2019 (2nd post)

I hope you are fine Baba. Started to write this around 4.14pm. I think you are already in the bus. Im nervous sometimes when I remember the times. I want you to be safe. I miss you a lot too. Please tale care your self Baba. 

8th October 2019.

Baba. I dont know whether you remember my blog or not. If you would have a mind to check the blog/remember this someday. start to read this from the beginning! Means the posts related to you. You once interpreted this as a secret site of me. No baba I dont have such site. You can read older posts too if you are interested. And Remember if this site not being updated, I may not be alive or google has suspended blogger as a platform. Sweetheart did you delete the website which you were building for me? You know you are the one inspired me about web. Now im learning to code (slowly). If I would be successful, my story will be posted in a blog (this blog/fb.) Sadly since you left me in fb im not an active fb user either. I just visit to check the inbox sometime. I have to keep it alive. Im afraid If I dont log the page will be deleted automatically. I miss you a lot Baba. Writing this in a beautiful morning after a rain. Lot of memories for me. Take care.

7th October 2019.

Writing this around 1.30pm Baba. I remember you a lot. You are the sweetest memory inside of me. I will keep singing your name inside my heart. You are the one made me living. You came for lunch and went in to the office again around 1.pm. that routine I know very well. I will keep stuck to this routine throughout my life time. I dont know whats going to happen next. What the future will be a total uncertainty. If I would live that future I will keep loving you till the end. Not seeing you makes my life further miserable one. May be you deleted me from FB because you didnt want me to get hurt too. When you proceed in your path, you didn't want me to feel bad. I guess that was the reason to delete me. I will not offended. I promise you Baba. I will keep loving you. I miss you a lot. Take care.

6th of October 2019

A Sunday. I remember how hard was to say goodbye in Sunday evenings. Remember how I travelled back to the workplaces in Sundays? I was so upset on my way back. It was hard to leave you. I was totally mad. Mad because I loved you Baba! (I still love you). I was mad because that simple distance made me upset. I still remember the warmth of a goodbye kiss to my forehead. I still remember the love you passed to me. I never wanted to leave you behind. Sweetheart I still love you. I will not stop loving you. Remember our love will last beyond the universe. I will keep my faith in you!. I miss you a lot. Im in a greater pain. Take care sweetheart. 

5th of October 2019

How are you Baba? I hope you are fine. May be today is the day for a walk in colombo suburbs. May be with your life partner. I was that person 2 years ago. Times passed. Even I couldn't recognised the beast/devil inside me. I was so cruel. I know. I hurt you. For that I would suffer whole my lifetime. Im not asking for forgiveness. Im cruel person but I love you too. I still have the love inside of me. That love will grow bigger and bigger. It willl not get smaller. I wish everything but the best for my little angel. I miss you a lot too. I love you sweetheart. And there is a news. Remember Jayathilaka? I hope you do. One of my minor staff. He was fired from the job because of an administrative issue. I dont know about the exact reason. But he is no longer working with me. I just wrote because you called him sometimes to know about me. Its is just an info. Please take care your self Baba.

4th October 2019

4th. Would be a long busy day. Today a friday too. I remember the history behind. How I was finishing all my work early and rushing through greenish roads to see you. I was driving fast. My goal was to reach home early. In the latter part of our relationship I was trying to reach your office around 4pm. I remember the past like it was yesterday. Im writing this around 6.45am today. All my love is with you Baba. All my good wishes are with you. Im not privileged anymore to see or talk to you. I will be counting and rearranging my memories about us. I didn't meet you incidentally sweetheart. I know we have meet before. Im so sorry for being this jerk. I never intended to be this person. I will keep loving you Baba. I might get another chance. Im pain Baba. I know you went to the same pain. I will keep my faith in you Baba. You are my driving force. I miss you a lot. 

3rd Of October 2019

Started to write this around 4.55am. Got up and I remembered the good morning message. That time passed us. Yet my memory follows the same routine. There is a reason for holding you in my heart. There is a reason for remembering you always. I think you have forgotten. Yet my cruel heart loves you. Yet a cruel person loves you. I never had an intention to hurt you Baba. I never had an intention to leave you. I became a totally messed up person. I wish I could correct everything back to normal. I wish I could hold your hands and walk in the same streets in Colombo. Like we did earlier. That time was like a poem. It was like a beautiful dream. Im trying to live in that dream. I know! You will call this childish. Yes... that what happens when you love someone deeply. I loved you a lot. I will love you forever. I miss you. 

2nd of October 2019

How are you sweetheart? I hope you are fine. Baba yet you are attending to seminars in your class? (Computer school). I remember you were attention to seminars by the school/institute. I wish I could come and meet you. Walk with you. Hold your hand and and talk endlessly. Each morning and evening you are a sunshine for me. Because you come to my mind every morning and evening lime a sun. I miss you a lot. Im keeping a short note because im ill. I have a fever. Please take care. 

1st of October. 2019.

Baby Im writing this around 6.50am. I think you are already on the bus. Days will pass. Weeks, months and years would be gone. What about us? I think a lot. What would be the future? Uncertainty overwhelms. I want you to find your happiness. For me.. im remembering our better times. That brings me happiness. I loved you and I loved you a lot Baba. I remember how we met at the greenish colombo roads and junctions. I remember how your father once had a problem because he stand up against the injustice. I remember how you worried for him. For what you have been through, you would have a better future Baba. I know that your heart is pure. I know you are good. Mistake you made is loving a notorious character. Im cruel, and Im rude. I know my faults Baba. I will not hurt you again. I love you forever. 

30th September 2019

Writing this around 7.25am. I think you have passed midway of your journey to office. I remember the chats we had. Sometimes I remember how mischievous you were. Because you sometimes didn't answer in the bus. Sometimes you tried to avoid chats in the bus. I know you had reasons baba. Non of them could prevent me. None of them was a reason for me. Sometimes I felt Bad. I felt love and I was trying to love you more and more. Even today I haven't changed my love, feelings and thoughts about you. Even for today Im remembering you many times a day. I never wanted to forget you. Only I couldn't see you suffering because of me. I couldn't take the pain when I saw you crying. My heart was always heavy. I cried and cried at home. My bed and the pillow was wet. I cried a lot. I know none of those things matters anymore to you. I have to say this though! Your brutal and unkind lover loved you forever. Loved to the last breath. I miss you. 

29th September 2019

How are you sweetheart? I hope you are fine. May be you were resting today at home. I hope your mother also at home today. How is your mother? Is she doing good? I remember her a lot. Because I always remember the effort she gives to give a better future for you. She was continuously working. A tough woman. I admire her a lot. She loves you a lot. I remember everything. Im writing this around 6pm in the evening. As today a Sunday I thought you were busy. I know you have some work also in sundays. Especially to wash and dry your clothes. Sweetheart you know these are rainy seasons. So please be vigilant about the surrounding. Please sweetheart keep aways from mosquito breeding environments. I wish your safety. I cant come and tell these things (I wish I could). Please baba stay safe. I miss you a lot. 

28th September 2019.

September ends baba. Little more to go this year. That day will come when you take someone's hand. I will wish you the best. I will suffer for not being the one who holds your hand. I was lucky to have you in my life. I was totally a jerk to lose you. I have many weaknesses and many faults sweetheart. Remember I love you a lot though. I cant see you. I cant hear you. Im suffering a lot here. Thats okay Baba. I think these are consequences of my faults. These are the results of mismanaged relationship. I know how seriously you loved me. I loved you a lot too. I was totally a mad guy when it came to decision making. I dont have better explanations. My explanation suck worse when I try to rationalise. Whats better about a breaking relationship due to a guys faults? Well.. that was me. Im so sorry sweetheart. I miss you a lot. I was wrong. Today a Saturday. What a day if we could see each other. Take care. 

27th September 2019

Im writing in the evening today. Time is 4.41pm. I think you are on your way home. Remember how we went to Maxmara after work? You bought a T shirt for me there I guess. I misss those times a lot. Reason I was late to write today is the stress which Im going through. I dont know how to describe it. Wish me good luck sweetheart. My heart loves you. Its a friday too. Baba remember the times when I ran to you in fridays? Remember the days which I gave a ride to you?Remember how did I pick-up you after the work? You were waiting for me there. Time passed quickly. Sweetheart im loving you forever. Im the worst person you have ever met. Im a crappy person. I have love in my heart though. I miss you a lot. Please be safe. 

26th September 2019.

I think you are in the office shuttle. I wish I could give a ride to you. Drop you at the workplace. Kiss your forehead and say I love you. Remember how you kissed my forehead and inturn I kissed your forehead when we left each other for home? I still remember the sweet feeling. I loved to feel your fragrance too. I hope non of those things are further remembered. For not remembering I cant blame you sweetheart. Because all the faults are with me. I was the wrong guy. I was the notorious partners. Im the villain of love. I dont care how bad I am. But I have to say that I love you a lot. I loved you a lot. Time will be passed. We would be so different, but I will keep all the love to you untouched. I always feel something inside of me is missing.  I miss you a lot. Take care.

25th September 2019. 2nd post.

Writing for the second time again. I remember you a lot. Rains started here. Remember we were talking? Remember when I was studying at workplace? We were chatting till late night. I was studying in an office room. I miss you a lot Baba. I know im not a memory now. Im not a person to you now. Take care. I love you.

25th of September 2019

Sweetheart I remembered you as usual. Started to wrtie this around 6.40am. Probably you were leaving home for work. I was a little late to publish this because im on a 24 hour duty since yesterday. Remember my duties? Sweetheart we were talking and chatting with each other till 1.00am somedays. I hope you have forgotten those times. How can I forget them? Since that was the best time of my life. I dont have a will to forget and proceed Baba. I dont want to forget you. I have pain because I sttill love you. If I was the kind of usual person without a gratitude, I would not go through this pain. Instead I feel devoted to you yet. I feel humble for your love. I feel the warmth you have given to me. I felt love a lot. I did my best to love you. I tried to Keep you with me forever. I never knew Im this much corrupted, corroded and damaged as a person. My moves are beyond tolerable and acceptable. I know and I agree. Since I have messed up all the way, I was helpless. I loved you beyond my limits. I tried my best trust me.  Then now I dont feel a comfort in living either. I dont know how should I proceed. I will keep my love to you forever. I miss you. 

24th September 2019

24th. Time is a machine. So fast. Sweetheart I have a Seepalika tree at the work place. In 2017 I remember when I come out felt a pleasant fragrance. Never paid an adequate attention to the fragrance because we were chatting and talking. Sweet smell was from Seepalika flowers. Each and every time when I come out we were talking to each other. Now the plant is flowering. Im feeling the same fragrance of Seepalika flowers but Im missing something inside me. Im missing you. We are not chatting anymore. Those flowers brought me the old memories. Remember how I told you that you are a Lotus to me? We have Nil Manel infront of the building in a pond. Remember how I sent a picture of one of those flowers and told you that It was you. You were a flower to me. Your fragrance the same sweetheart. I hope you are doing fine. Year will end soon. I miss you a lot. I love you. 

23rd September 2019

I think you are taking your usual ride to work while Im writing this message. I dont know whether the daily routine remains the same or changed. But I definitely know thesee things including our old routine will be in my mind forever. I remember those things frequently. Finally memory and some moments only remain with me. I have to keep them with me. I dont think that you will be able to wait and think or wait and remember our past. You are destined to forget me and the past. You are on your way to a better future without me. Well forget if you want. I will not force you to remember me. If you could forget me, I dont have obligations. Baba dont you remember better moments with me? Dont you ever had something good with me? I know you are throwing everything out which belongs to our past. Everything. I know that. I heard so. I know what hurt the most now (i know you went through the same thing. I dont ask excuses. I dont ask mercy. Throw all the things out. Throw the crappier person you have ever met out. Throw out everything belongs to the bitter past with me.) I dont have words. Go on.. you are doing it right. I feel terrible. Im in pain because of that too. I never hate you for doing that. Throw all the crap and the junk belongs to my past away then you will be remained in happiness. I wish your happiness. Do what makes you happy sweetheart. My pains have to be ended someday too. Dont even think about me much sweetheart. I deserve to suffer. I would welcome what ever the punishment comes to me. Im not good. Take care.

22 September 2019.

6.42am. Remember how I was doing exercises? Remember I went for jogging? May be you dont remember now. Its okay. Sweetheart I cant see you or hear you. And thats a great pain. Thats how it goes. Im in pain and this is love. You were in pain because you loved me. I have no words to express or explain the situation which Im going through at the moment. I just want you to know that I love you a lot. I hide my love from you always. I think I cant hide it anymore. Please dont misunderstand!. Im not trying to interfere in your life once more. No im not trying to do that. I will not come and let you to remember all the pains you had because of me. Im just writing here because I have no one to express my pain. I have no way to tell my story. Im totally a broken person Baba. My way of loving is the worst on earth. I miss you a lot. Remember the Sundays? Tale care sweetheart!.