31 August 2019. Love and pain. August ends.

Its a saturday. Remember our days? I came for a brief visit. I have to admit, each and every time I visit here, I remember you a lot. That time escaped/passed. We went apart. Distance grew and grew. Memories about me fading away. I will stay in the riverbank of our love. Memories will flow. Memories sometimes flood. Of course all of them are about you. My life will be about you. I will live it for you. I miss you a lot sweetheart. Hope you are fine. Maby busy with future plans. Love is a pain for us this time. Will not be a painful one in the future. I promise. I will wait for you. I know I will suffer a lot for hurting you.
Sweetheart don't think im mad. A person loved you and messed up in pain. I felt it when you were in pain. Im in pain because of love. I wont feel a pain If I was a jerk. I miss you a lot. 

30th August 2019. The year is ending.

I dont know how to manage this misery. Sweetheart I always remember you. I have to say, keep remembering you isnt a problem to me. I want you to live inside me. I have already digested the truth. You will first forget me for minute then for two. For a day then for a week. Time will pass. I will be gone. I wish your happiness. Your happiness is my happiness too. When you have found your love, the victory will be on your side Baba. I wish the success and happiness to you. May you feel all the happiness. I wish you a long life(including mother and father always in my prayers). I was so lucky to see your smiles. Im so cruel to make you cry too. Still I have love inside me. All of that is for you. I miss you. 

29th August 2019

Doubt about me sweetheart but I wont blame you for that. I dont doubt in my love or in your love. I felt your love. Felt or not I loved you like a crazy person. Someday remember!. I loved you like a child. I will keep my feelings and love for you forever Baba. I know you have to recover from the difficult time which you have passed through. It wasn't easy. And It was much painful. I know all those those things. I feel you. You might not remember, I was so happy when you were smiling. I tried everything thing to see a smile in your face. I miss you a lot. I would be forgotten like I've never existed. You have to proceed and move on. I know every difficulty you've been through. I will keep loving Baba. I miss you. 

28th August 2019.

How are you sweetheart? I miss you a lot. I remember you always. Baba you rarely remember me now, isn't it? I feel that distance. I know you are moving on. I dont have much options. The only definite option I have is Keep loving you. I will keep doing that. Sweetheart remember how were taking selfies at torington. I think you took more than 100 selfies a day with me. I wish I could go back to those moments. Remember in BurgerKing? we were wearing paper made crowns and eating. Hooe you remember. You fed me by your hands. I still remember all of it, Like it was yesterday. Im the worst nightmare you've ever seen I know. Please remember though, Im also loving you. I will love you forever. Soon you will take someone's hands. I will not hate, I will not be angry, or I will not be rude because of that. I will keep loving you Forever. 

27 August 2019 2nd post. ( Extraordinary)

Did something extraordinary. Thats for us Baba. That will remember you. You will not remember me. But I always doing things to remember you. I will keep loving you Baba. I will keep remembering you. What I did on behalf of you is so special. I miss you. 

27 August 2019.

I think you are on your way to the work place. Im here remembering you. I just got up. Im late these days because Im having a cold. Remember at my work place there was a fragrance of a flower at night? (it was from  a RukAththana tree). That sweet smell was there last night. I felt that. I remembered our past. The past you are trying forget. That past which I'm trying to live. Time will pass Baba. You will take someone's hand. I will feel totally miserable. But I definitely wish best things to my little angel. I will never stop loving you sweetheart. Im totally a crap and a mess. Baba, dont people lose their selves? Don't people make wrong steps? I have my bag of regrets with me sweetheart. Im not trying to escape away from them. I miss you so much. That smell of flowers reminded me the time. The time is passing. I miss you. 

26 August 2019

Poured water to the plants in the morning as I remember you in early morning. I think I dont have much other options. You have forgotten me. Im trying to living with the memories. Strange life sweetheart. I threw the love out and living with pain. I definitely deserve this pain. Most valuable thing I had was your love. I lost it because of my idiocy. Or may be because my cruelty. One thing I have to admit Baba. I loved you a lot then. I love you forever. Its okay to forget me. Even if you see me someday, dont pay your attention. How we were planning?. We planned to travel overseas too. We planned to be happy. My eyes are getting wet. I miss you a lot. Someday if you remember me please make sure to think about the love we had together. Even I never knew that I could love that much. Take care sweetheart.

25th of August 2nd post.

August 25. Time passes. I feel bad. Im ready to go to bed. I couldn't sleep for 2 nights. Difficult to deal with the frustration and pain in my head. Anyway Im remembering you before I close my eyes. I will remember all the good memories and try to take a nap. Im trying to reach you at least in my dreams. Dont take this as a joke. This pain is too hard to take. I miss you. 

25th of August 2019

A sunday. I know you may be taking a walk with your beloved one today. Two year back I was the one who held your hand. I hurt you so much and you left because of pain. Im a cruel guy. I know I'm not a pleasant fellow either. Its okay Baba. May be my love was wrong. I still trust in love. I still believe in love. Sure I will love you forever. I messed up in a point. You got hurt. You suffered and moved on. Now its my turn to suffer. I will accept this, though it is painful. Two years ago I was the person holding your hands and walked with you in pride. You were my little princess. I will love you forever for the love and care you offered. To the softness of your hands which always made me calm. I will be grateful for you. I will miss you forever. I will be be miserable forever without you. I think I have to pay my fate. I will never forget you though. Take care sweetheart.

24 August 2019.

Long nights and long long thought processes. Im not getting tired. I know what I feel inside is the true. Im not privileged to be with you but yet Im privileged to hold love for you. I dont feel tired loving you. I haven't seen you for such a long time. Yet I have my own picture of you in my heart. People say that time heals everything. Well from my side time is the one punishes me more than anything. I have to say that nothing can stop me loving you. Dont say, Dont!. You are the one who keep me functioning. Time will pass. I will be here for you as long as it takes. I will love you forever Sweetheart. I know you must be much busier these days....Work and may be because of future plans. All I wanted to say is that I love you a lot. Sorry If I took much time. I miss you. 

22 August 2019.

I hope you are fine sweetheart. Im not in a good mind today morning. I feel bad. My post will be a little shorter. Dont take it offensively. Its not because I have nothing to tell. Its because im totally tired of being miserable. I wish I could come and hug you. I wish I could see you again. I know Baba those are already impossible goals this life for me. Well, dont think that I would come and make you cry again. I will not do that. Im not such a bad person (I know im bad. I will not make you cry again though). I miss you Baba. 

21st August 2019. (Cold heart)

Hello Baba hope you are fine. Environment is getting a little colder these mornings. It is like my heart. It Was colder and a feeling less one. May be thats why it hurt you. Colder or not now it is trying to digest the facts about love. There is no escape. These lessons which are painful have to learn somehow or other. I dont say I didn't feel a pain. I was kind of a rock like person. I remember how you were crying Baba. I will never forgive my soul for hurting you. I well come the pain and the tragedy. Let it suffer. I deserve this. I want you someday remember/understand that you were always in my heart. You were always loved. You were always memorized. I have only a bunch of lifelong memories of us. Im counting them, remembering them and keeping them with me. Someday I will leave. I will definitely I will not leave the love. I will keep my love forever with me. I will find you some other time/ world. Till then I wish you everything good for a better life here. I wish you long a long life. [And sweetheart remember I kept most of your promises. I was(we) transferring someone who needs immediate attention. Our speed was 140. I remembered you.] I remembered the words "Baba you are going there to help people". I did it. Im doing it. You are the inspiration. Take care sweetheart. I miss you. 

20th August 2019.

I did something good yesterday. I think its on behalf of you. I remembered you while doing so. I wish you lived long Baba. May you be healthy. I cant see you or hear you. Probably you don't see me either. Days are passing. I know someday you will throw away the last possible memory about me. I know you have a reasonable point to do so. For being an idiot and a selfish jerk I will not be forgiven. Knowing that im writing here daily. Im writing hear daily because my heart yet loves you a lot. Im sure this love inside me will not end. I think I was beyond broken to love. Being a broken soul made me a jerk I think. I have no better explanation sweetheart. What I wanted to say Baba, that I will love you forever. I will seek you. May be I will not succeed at once. But I will wait. I will love. Take care sweetheart.

19 August 2019.

140km/h. Im doing a transfer.
Im doing this for you Baba. You asked to help people. I will keep my word. I miss you. May you be healthy.
Take care sweetheart 

19 Augist 2019.

Well.. it it was a day when I come to see you, Monday is the day im returning back to work. I hope you remember. Remember how we were talking while I was driving? Writing this around 7.am. Im late in the morning to write because im resting a little too. Because im studying. I remember how you encouraged me to study. I remember everything. Are you forcing/urginge to forget everything and simply move, sweetheart? How come I live without you? How come I lose the memory about you? I cannot forget you sweetheart. I think my turn to suffer is just starting. I feel that you are moving on. I wish you good things Baba. Well not good but the best. I wish you best things. I will stay patience. I miss you. 

18 August 2019.

Writimg this around 7.00am. Its a sunday. I think you are probably at home. Im here remembering you endlessly. All my thoughts are with you Baby. Love is amazing it healed us. It broke me. It broke your heart. It punishes me. It hurt you the most. I remember how you once said "why we didn't meet even earlier?". Im asking the same question from my Destiny. Im asking the same question from my heart. Im questioning the universe. I felt your sweet love Baba. It made me a good man. Im so sorry for being a ruthless person. I was helpless. I was totally disappointed. I was totally broke. I was mad for sure. I never intended to hurt you. I never had intentions to end our love. Im too much confused and too much messed. I think I have no way back from this misery. I miss you a lot. I wish if I could sit with you under that "LOWI" tree in torington park and smile endlessly and kiss your cheeks. I miss you. 

17th August 2019.

How are you sweetheart? I think you have things to do today. May be getting ready for the awaited biggest function in your life. Or may be you are going for a walk like we did in Colombo. I remember you thousands of times daily. I have our memories. I only can count them and go through them with mind full of thoughts. My heart heavy becausey regrets. Each and every time I remember you my heart wish you good luck. You were my luck. You were my love. You were my inspiration. You will always be my everything Baba. Im just unlucky. Im totally broke without you. Im in pain without you. Today a rainy day. Feels like the skies are crying. From the inside im crying too. Im trying to show a joyful face to everyone. Im the only one who knows about what we are (you and I) going through. I miss you. 

16th of August 2019.

May be you will not feel my love further because of few reasons. First the pains and wounds which I have given to you are so painful and you cant even think about a love. 2nd thing as I feel you already have someone far better than me and you dont have to think or worry about reminding me(painful past). 3rd thing im already being forgotten and there is no reason to dig a painful past. Good morning sweetheart. Baba last night I saw you again. I dont remember the dream. Definitely I saw you.I see you frequently. I think you are already on the bus while im writing this post. Im thinking...today a Friday. Remember how joyful and refreshing was the Fridays two years back? Friday is the day we were waiting to see each other. I was totally stressed and restless without seeing you. Time passed. We are sitting on two points in life. I miss you so much. Im in pain sweetheart. Take care pls. 

15th August 2019.

Hello Baba. Are you doing fine sweetheart? Yesterday was a holiday. If I was with you yesterday, I could have rushing to work place in the early morning. Im endlessly remembering you. Same time I miss you a lot. Sweetheart remember how we were enjoying evenings in waters edge? I still remember. Those precious memories are coming to my head always. In between those memories you remain like a beautiful song continuously singing in my heart. I feel blessed to keep memory about you. Im keeping our memories with lot of love. I think by now you have already moved on so far. I dont think your memories about our past remains. I will not blame you for forgetting things. Im the one who made a painful past. Forgetting a painful past is inevitable. It is like looking at a river. The water flows. I have a value to each and every drop of the water. I feel sad each and every moment which passe. My memory about us the same. It hurts me. I love my memories too. Thats the only thing I have on your behalf. I will remain forever broken Baba. Just if you remember me accidentally, try to understand that I was endlessly loving you. Take care. 

14th August (Esala Poya Day)

May be you are at home today. Or may be you are at work because your company doesn't consider a Poya as a holiday always. If it is so you might be travelling in a bus already. I feel like this is a day when I could meet you. I miss you so badly. This could be a day which we could go to the beautiful temple you always said (which is closer to your home). I remember how your family went to temple in Poya days. Especially in wesak and Poson. You posted me pictures. I know you have already found a soul to comfort you. I feel that. Dont thing im deaf and dumb in love. I feel you sweetheart. I feel how you walking away from me little by little. Step by step. Each and every step you take is a knock to my heart. I dont know how this happens. I think you and I have a mutual connection Baba. Sweetheart I feel like I was searching for you many lives. I miss you a lot. I cant see you, I cant hear you but definitely I can feel you. Love you sweetheart.

13th August 2019.

Im writing this around 6.55am. I was busy at work today since early morning. Im doing a night shift and it is about to end. I hope you are fine Baba. Im walking through our memories endlessly. I dont feel tired. Im trying to reach you each and every night in my dreams (you may ask, whats the point of leaving, and trying to reach you in my the dreams) I have no answer. Since im the worng guy. Even I feel how terrible am I to be a lover. Only explanation available is being a Messed up mind. Remember the first date Baba? I remember it a lot. Those memories are so precious to me. Those memories are worth more than diamonds to me. I still remember how you feed me from your plate. I was so happy. Felt so loved. I felt a something I can't explain by words. I loved you like im mad. I will love you forever that way. I miss you sweetheart.

12th Augist 2019

A holiday today. Well, If I was at home in the weekend definitely I could take an extra leave and stay with you. What we would do today sweetheart? I miss those times. May be you are already having similar schedules. Im not angry with you for that. I feel so empty some times. I feel like im missing something vital inside me. I feel sometimes a heaviness in my heart. This pain is difficult to explain or describe. Im bound to keep that pain within me for the rest of my life. Im taking/accepting that pain happily. I should and I deserve to suffer for hurting someone who is so innocent. I have to suffer because, I have hurt someone who loved me. Today a holiday. Hope you are at home. Or may be you have better plans. I miss you my love. Please be safe. 

11th August 2nd post.

Posting this around 9pm. Usually around 8pm you are taking your dinner. I dont know whats your new schedule is. Anyway im following our old footsteps. I remember you a lot Baba. Same way I miss you a lot too. Im kind of alone in a sea of memories. Im touching eah and every memory. Each and every time im becoming closer to you. Please stay safe sweetheart. 

11th August 2019

I was travelling yesterday and today morning. I had few problems, I couldn't write you because I was travelling here and there. I hope you are doing fine Baba. While I was returning to workplace, I felt that these roads carry our love Baba. I was rushing through these roads to see you. These roads know our story. These roads know what we went through. This wind which blows will sing our song. Song of a love story. Though it is sad, we have our love. I will not forget you Baba. I will not stop loving you. I will not give up on you.(I will never disturb you baba. I will never let you cry. I will not come in front of you and make things worse. I dont want to see you crying). I miss you so much. Stay safe sweetheart. 

9th of August.

What if this could be a day which I could see you? I will remember each and every happy moment we had together sweetheart. Today 9th of August. Time will pass quickly. Where we will be after few more years? I know you will leave everything. I dont urge you to keep our promises. Do whats right Baba. Even forgetting me, if its the thing you have to do. Sometimes your plan to leave this land.(im still capable in case to see your parents. Those aren't just promises) Im quite sure there will be a day when you and I hold hands together. lets enjoy the sunset sweetheart. You would think that im mad. No im just dreaming us. Im just dreaming a future. A future which could belong to us. No hate or no anger in me Baba. I know that you have better plans now. I wont hate or be jealous to your prestigious future. I only wish your success and happiness. I will wait. This is so painful. I love you. Take care. 

8th August 2019. 2nd post.

I was so sad to leave for the first appointment. It was all sad because of you. I had no will to remain in Colombo or suburbs. Then I found you. You changed me. I started to love. I started to live. It was a killing pain to leave you. I planted this somewhere(hope you remember). There were many memories. On the day I posted a picture of this tree you said "Baba dont be upset. You are going there to help people". I miss you Baba. I posted this in FB saying it is there to celebrate my presence at the workplace. Actually I did this to make my pain go away. Because I had to leave you in colombo and live far from you. I wouldn't have felt sad If I didn't meet you. I met you Baba. Im in pain. Im remembering our sweet memories. I love you forever.

(It has grown to a big tree now. Things I did for my pain. Pain of leaving)

8 August 2019.

I miss you a lot Baba. Yesterday night again we were walking in Baudhdhaloka road (I was dreaming) you were wearing your favourite long blue trouser. Hard life to live ahead for me. I dont doubt, I will suffer. I suffer because I have a conscience. Though im so rude and evil yet I have a heart. A devil with a heart made me the weirdest possible creature. I never intended hurt you Baba. If I was a real jerk, I will not feel this way. I think you are on your way to work. Its seven am now. I can guess where you are travelling through. Someday you will totally forget me(may be even now) i feel so sad but I wish you a life without pain. A life with happiness is my wish for you. It is so tough to proceed this way. Yet I have no other options. Options which I have are so insane and beyond ethics. I dont know how to get through. I miss you sweetheart.

7th August 2019- 2nd post.

Time is 6.31pm. I think your mother returns home from work now. Ask her to rest more Baba. She needs much rest. Take care of her. I remembered you. I have no words to describe the inner feelings. Crying inside and smiling isn't a easy act. I know you are going through the same events. I feel your pain sweetheart. I miss you. 

7th Augist 2019. (Mornings missing you)

Sweetheart im starting to write this around 6.44am. For sure you are in the bus. I feel nothing good. Nothing seem to be reassuring. I miss you a lot. Same time I feel how Bad am I. I feel how bad was I to you. I know Sweetheart. I know I will not be forgiven. Being a crappy lover is a torture to the beloved one. I hurt you a lot that way. Knowing all those things Im writing here not because I want your forgiveness. Forgiven or not its okay. I will suffer my way to the end. Im happy to pay may sins back(I dont think I can pay them back.). Only reason Im writing here is the love I feel for you. I know you dont care anymore. Im a creepy person. A crappy lover. No matter how morally corrupted am I, I always have love for you. No matter how broken Am I, I will always love you. If I dont have love, I will not be writing here with wet eyes. If I dont have love I wont feel sad this way. I miss you Baba. And I will always love you. Tc.

6th of August 2019. 2nd post

I miss you sweetheart. Remembered you around 4.00pm. I was at work. How we were desperate to talk. I miss those times and I miss those days. I hope you are fine Baba. Sweetheart please stay safe. 

6th August 2019

Love is a strange thing Baba. No one can see it. But everyone feel it. Very few understand it. I wish I could be a good enough person to feel,understand interpret it. I think im too Messed up to love. Im beyond broken to be loved. From my side only I can love. I not begging you for love sweetheart. I think im not worthy to receive your precious love (Im a crappy lover) I know you will not give it or keep it for me further. I know you have changed and made your mind. Soon your will not remember me. Im the kind bad person you met. Definitely im the worst thing happened to you. That dark period will be forgotten soon. I will no longer be remembered. I feel sad. Same time I know I deserve this. I deserve this pain. For experiencing this pain I will not hate you. I still love you Baba. I miss you much. Take care.

5th August 2019.

I think you are on your way to work. Sweetheart remember those days when we had a bicycle ride around the park closer to your home? We were sitting near the stream. I remember those days. Devine memories of our story. I might be a crappy person Baba. Though I was a crappy person, I loved you. I still love you. I know Sweetheart I will not be forgiven. I definitely ready to pay my fate and accept Destiny. I wish I could see or hear you. I dont have those privileges anymore. I will not hate you for not seeing you. I will not be angry with you. I feeling that you are moving on. Im feeling how you get far inch by inch, step by step, minute by minute and so on. Dont think I was happy without you. I was beyond miserable without you. Remember I kept my love to you for the rest of my life. I will love you further. I miss you Baba. 

4th August 2018 (Messed up)

You might think why do I write in the mornings and in the daytime only. So I decided to write tonight. Whole day I remembered you a lot Baba. I know im kicked out from your thoughts. Not everyone are lucky. I think I was lucky to meet you. Same time I was a big jerk to lose you. Im too unlucky. I think im beyond messed up level. I have no words to describe tge way I feel about my self. Its okay Baba. I know I have meet you lon long before also. So I will keep counting days. I will find you again. I will be a better person. I dont know, will I be able to show you my thoughts in my blog. If I stop write this someday thats probably because im not alive Baba. What I intended to express was the love. The love trapped in a messed up and broken person. I love you forever. I miss you. 

3rd of August 2019. (Future)

Time will pass sweetheart. Everything including the bitter past about me will be forgotten and erased from your memories. You will be happy like never before. Good things will come to you Baba. Lifetime partner, children and many other victories in life. Your summer season about to begin. I wish everything good for you baba. Well not the good but the best. Being a creepy person, run away from love, have made me miserable. Seeing how you go far and far not easy. Because I still have love inside me. I dont wish a long journey for me, Its hard to proceed with a broken heart. I broke your heart and became a person without conscience. Its hard to live this way. Sweetheart today a Saturday. Im not on duty also. A day like we met in 2017. I miss you. Im celebrating our memories, this morning. Take care Baba. 

2nd of August 2019. 4.06pm.

Starting to write this arpund 4.06pm. Exact time when you are coming out from your office. I miss you a lot sweetheart. After a long time Im writing this time of the day. I hope you might have some memories about us. How desperate we were to have a chat? Best times of my life. Its the summer I guess. I have all my memories with me. I know you have moved on. I want you to know someday Baba, a evil person fell in love with you and hurt you.(definite he should be punished and suffered for the way he act.) That person was in love with you until the end of his life.(I believe life isn't end here. I always felt that we have met before. This is a long journey). I wish I could express my feelings But I cannot. Im not allowed and definitely I will not make you cry again. I promise you Baba. I miss you. Tc